The Best and Worst of Jed's Joke-a-phile for 98 - Part 7 *********** JED'S JOKE-A-PHILE ************* Mailing list Crude, rude, tasteless and disgusting jokes for all you sick little bastards! to join, send a blank email to joke-a-phile-subscribe@egroups.com http://axis.jeack.com.au/~jed/maillist.htm **************************************************** Continuing with the Best and Worst of Jed's Joke-a-phile 98 the following jokes for this last instalment of this best and worst series are taken from these previous mailings made in October 98. 10/14/98 Choronzon 10/15/98 Avagoodweegend 10/17/98 Kill 'em all. Just kill em all 10/19/98 No wuckin' forries mate, no wuckin' forries 10/21/98 Balls and all 10/23/98 We're the people our parents warned us about. I hope you enjoyed these special editions of The Best and Worst of Jed's Joke-a-phile as much as I did putting them together. ################################################## Usual Disclaimer... This mailing list contain jokes which by all intent and purpose would be considered unsuitable for those offended by words. Most of these words are arranged in a manner which may... ARE considered offensive!!! If you are under 18 years of age, or offended by sexist, racist, crude, rude and disgusting jokes, THEN DELETE THIS NOW AND READ NO FURTHER!!! ################################################## Welcome to another instalment of Jed's Joke-a-phile. It never discriminates against anyone's sex, race, creed or religion. It only persecutes, marginalizes and humiliates. It's where bad taste and vulgarity abound, and the barf bags come with a spoon. (Batteries sold separately :) So without any further ado, here's the jokes: ==================== A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and stuck two fingers directly in her vagina. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable motherfucker!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." ==================== Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said. ==================== This poor bloke went to hospital for a circumcision but, because of some fuck up during the operation, he ended up having a complete sex change. All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, the poor bloke went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Shit!" he moaned. "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all." ==================== This next one is from Sappo Daddy ~~~ Here I sit, Just took a shit Oh No! No! The guy before me stole the roll I have a class, I must not linger Look out ass here comes the finger ==================== "Doctor!" cries the embarrassed bloke, "I have a bad sexual problem - I can't it up for my wife anymore." "OK," says the doc, "bring her back with you tomorrow. Mr Thomas, and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried fella returns with his wife. "Take off your clothes please, Mrs Thomas," says the doc. "Now turn all the way around. "Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. OK, you can put your clothes back on." The doc takes the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he says. "Your wife's so ugly she didn't give me a fuckin' erection either. ==================== Down in the valley where the green grass grows, There lives an old lady without any clothes, Along comes a soldier boy, Chip, chop, chop, Down with his pants and out with his cock. Three months later starting to swell, Six months later all is well, Then nine months later, Snap, crackle, pop, Out comes a baby with a mangled cock, Ladies and gents that's not all, The poor little bastard, Had only one ball. ==================== After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas." Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus. ==================== Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females." "How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie. Joe replied, "That was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone." ==================== A faggot was sitting on a park bench when a man walking his dog goes by. The dog takes a great big dump on the sidewalk. The man starts walking again. "Excuse me, but please clean that up." says the aidsbandit, "Someone may step in it" The man comes back and says "Wouldn't want to get shit on yours shoes, eh?" The faggot shakes his head no, and the man mumbles "Stupid faggots care more about their shoes then they care about their dicks." ==================== What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? -It's warmer, tighter and it's degrading to the woman. What's the definition of a nice old woman? -Someone who takes her teeth out before she goes down on you! What is the similarity between Woody Allen, Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono? -They all went down on the wrong slope. How do you make love to an ugly woman? -Have a wank into your hand, then throw it at her. What's the difference between Jesus and Cassanova? -The looks on their faces when they got nailed. What is the difference between a homosexual and a Fag? -A homosexual has a sexual preference for men. A fag is a homosexual who annoys you enough that you want to beat the shit out of him. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common? -They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo! What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot swish into the pet store? -"Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!" Why did the faggot take two aspirin with his viagra? -So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse. ==================== God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my arse off". A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!" ==================== Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark and steel the fucking thing!" ==================== Having a Threesome Advantages: 1. It can get really weird 2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings 3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one 4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13 5. You get to watch your best friends making love 6. You get to get watched making love 7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed 8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing 9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms 10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out 11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it 12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left 13. Three-person showers are fantastic 14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better 15. Three-person kisses are best Disadvantages 1. It can get really weird 2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings 3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off 4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom, the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt 5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows 6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like 7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them 8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks 9. Morning breath multiplied by 3 10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want 11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want 12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships 13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple 14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions 15. Now there's two wet spots to avoid ==================== Three guys were going to have a spitting contest. The Greek guy stands up, readies himself, and sends one 5 metres. The Aussie says that's easy to beat, and readies himself. Brings up one which sails for 10 metres. The Lebo can beat that easy, he reckons, stands up, and starts getting ready. He brings up a little, then more and more. His cheeks start bulging, his face is streaming with sweat. Finally his mouth is full of it. Then, at the final moment, he swallows it. The Greek and Aussie are stunned, "Why'd ya swallow it. It would have gone for miles." The Lebo replied, "Well, it was too good to waste." ==================== What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence? -Ripping it off. Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first? -So you can see the expression on its face! What's more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line? -Stopping it with a shovel. What has 4 legs and one arm? -A Doberman on a children's playground! What's red and white and screams? -A peeled baby in a bag of salt. What's the proper gift for a dead baby? -A dead puppy. ==================== This next one was sent in by Roni ~~~ A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move." "It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game." A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit." "Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave. But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you." So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, that what is it?" "It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back." ==================== This next one is from Robin ~~~ Tips For Evil Cult Members: * Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur. * Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity. * Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. * Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other people who have undergone the procedure. * Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure. * Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this strongly enough. * Pastel coloured candles int he shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness. * Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures. * When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous. * When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip. * During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form." * Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good, hot bath. * For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable. * Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, viola players, politicians, nightclub owners, or any other people who won't be missed. ==================== A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old son. In the middle of the night grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!" The son moaned: "Please, grandpa, calm down." "First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour." "Second, you're 82 years old." "And third, it's my dick you're holding..." ==================== A strange-looking old man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician, "I'll give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in the casket in the front room." The mortician looked at the guy like he was nuts. "Are you crazy?" he said, "I could lose my license." "How about $200, then?" The mortician debated with himself, then said, "All right, you've got a deal, but keep it quiet, okay?" Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went hurriedly to work, scalpel in hand. In minutes, he was holding the dripping pussy at arm's length, and he asked nervously, "How do you want it wrapped?" "Don't sweat it," the old guy said. "I'll eat it here." ==================== This bloke picks up a hooker and goes up to her room, peels all her clothes off, lays her down on the bed then proceeds eagerly to eat her out. At one stage he stuck his tongue in to the hilt and suddenly pulled his face out of her cunt and spat a bit of cabbage into his hand. He started at it for a few seconds, shrugged his shoulders and thought "What the fuck, not that strange," and went right back to the task at mouth. Well he brought her off several times as well as himself. A couple more times he repeated the tongue right in bit and again was rewarded with the odd bit of refuse. As he was leaving, out of sheer curiosity he turned around and asked her, "Hey, have you been sick lately?" She said, "No, but the fellas before you were!" ==================== That's all for the Best and Worst of Joke-a-phile 98 Part 7 The regular scheduled program will return early in the new year. I wish you all a happy and hilarious new year, and I hope that 1999 is an even better year for you than what 1998 has been. Send all your jokes, pats on the back, death threats, or messages of appreciation, like "fuck you!!!" to jed@jeack.com.au *********** JED'S JOKE-A-PHILE ************* Mailing list Crude, rude, tasteless and disgusting jokes for all you sick little bastards! to join, send a blank email to joke-a-phile-subscribe@egroups.com http://axis.jeack.com.au/~jed/maillist.htm **************************************************** When forwarding, please keep the above *signature* INTACT. Thanks. #-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^# SUBSCRIPTION AND UNSUBSCRIPTION DETAILS To subscribe to Jed's Joke-a-phile: send a blank email to: joke-a-phile-subscribe@egroups.com and leave the *subject* line blank as well. To unsubscribe from Jed's Joke-a-phile: send a blank email to joke-a-phile-unsubscribe@egroups.com and leave the *subject* line blank as well. #-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^#-^# All this from the creator of: ************************************************** Aussie Jed's Tasteless Jokes Archive http://axis.jeack.com.au/~jed/ With some of the dirtiest, most tasteless and offensive jokes on the net. Some of these jokes go beyond bad taste! **************************************************