Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 1
1.
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
2.
One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to
watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an
old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting
gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man
advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet,"
states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
3.
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says,
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck
all about shark fishing."
4.
Hey, you heard about the
new Italian Tyres?
Dago round.
Dago through mud.
Dago through snow.
Dago everywhere.
And when Dago flat, Dago
Wop, Wop, Wop...
5.
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the fucking thing!"
6
Jacob Levy Had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well.
So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known
King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over
there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.' Jacob
decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went
to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a
friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd
have been a Chinaman.'
7.
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the
crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"
8.
Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when
suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet
after a brief conversation.
"Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked.
"On, that was Mick." She replied calmly.
"Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"
"Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."
9.
A bloke was standing at the bar drinking a cold one when a Vietnamese walked up
behind him, yelled, "Aaah-hah!" and hit him across the back of the neck, knocking him
out cold. "When he wakes up, tell him I know Kung-fu," the Vietnamese said to the
bartender, then he split.
A while later, having come around and been given the mysterious message, the bloke
was in the process of ordering another cold one to help numb the pain in his head when
another cry of "Aaah-hah!" rang out. Once more the bloke hit the floor after being decked
from behind, and once again his assailant gave the barkeeper the same instructions
before vanishing.
Half an hour later he reappeared. Looking around, he asked where the bloke had gone
and was told that he had staggered away, looking sorta green around the gills. The
Vietnamese shrugged, ordered a beer, and was just taking his first pull when a loud
"Aaah-hah!" sounded behind him. In an instant he was flat on the floor, out like a light.
"When he comes to," the bloke said to the bartender, "tell him I know crowbar,
Mitre10, $9.95."
10.
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted
with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no
way of knowing which was the gather, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of
town to have the little bastard.
Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of
them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.
The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and
some bad news," the mate said on the telephone.
"Well, give me the good news first," replied the other.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply.
"And the bad news?"
"Mine died," said his mate.
11.
Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with the size
of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the bartender got tired
of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to all this crap and find out who's lying
and who isn't. Each of you whip out your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did.
Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked him if he
wanted a drink.
The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks, I'll just have
some of the buffet."
12.
The shitfaced dero was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one
foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk"
The wasted dero asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
13.
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian." She wailed.
"How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.
14.
A strange-looking old man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician,
"I'll give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in the casket in the front room."
The mortician looked at the guy like he was nuts. "Are you crazy?" he said, "I could
lose my license."
"How about $200, then?"
The mortician debated with himself, then said, "All right, you've got a deal, but keep
it quiet, okay?" Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went hurriedly to work,
scalpel in hand.
In minutes, he was holding the dripping pussy at arm's length, and he asked nervously,
"How do you want it wrapped?"
"Don't sweat it," the old guy said. "I'll eat it here."
15.
A young girl walks in and sees her mother in the shower. She asks, "What's that, mommy?"
The mother says, "It's a vagina."
So the girl says, "When will I get one of those?"
"When you're a teenager," the mother replies.
Later on, the little girl walks in on her father while he's showering. "What's that, daddy?"
"It's a penis," he replies.
"When will I get one of those?" she asks.
The father says, "As soon as your mother leaves for work."
16.
A Tasmanian girl asked her dad if she could borrow his car that night so she could go
out with her friends. Her father replied "only if you suck my dick." The daughter thought
about this and decided she really needed the car, so she said alright. As she was sucking
she stopped and said "YUCK! this taste like shit!" to this her father replied "Oh, I forgot
to tell you, your brothers got the car tonight!"
17.
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.
I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.
Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
18.
This cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he
caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.
"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.
"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.
"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a
young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a
leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."
"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it."
said the young bloke.
"And what's that?" said the cop.
"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in
a blue uniform!"
19.
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd
had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked
"The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight
mates with him!" Mary said.
20.
This bloke was pissed as a tick, lying in the gutter outside the local, when
this frog hops past.
The bloke grabs the frog, looks it straight in the eye. and says:
"You turd of a frog - I'm gonna stick my finger up you arse till it comes outta
your mouth, then I'm gonna tear your legs off, then piss down your
throat."
Now the bloke didn't' know it, but the local cop was standing right behind him,
listening to every word he was saying.
"Listen, mate," says the cop. "Anything you do to that frog, I'm going to
do to you."
The bloke just smiled at the cop, looked at the frog and said, "Well, I guess
this is your lucky day, froggy - 'cause I'm gonna lick your arse!"
21.
This guy's mother-in -law went missing in the
Northern Territory and the guy was trying his
hardest to look depressed.
Eventually the police rang him to say that they'd
found her body in a swamp were it was being eaten
by eight mud crabs.
The guy was quiet for a moment and the policeman,
thinking he was upset, ventured, "Ahh...Sir?
"It's okay," the guy said. "you can have four
and I'll take the other four.... and we'll set her
again tonight."
22.
Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls
in the office had removed their clothes and were lying
on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her
dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down
the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is
a stock up, not an office party!"
23.
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon
when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight
dress with her boobs almost hanging out.
He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so
he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman
after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest
lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church
dressed like that?"
"Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends
tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their
heads on my breasts."
"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing
his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised
his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"
"Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
24.
A little boy about five years old, runs into the
kitchen, with his hands cupped in front of him.
"Mummy, mummy, is there such a thing
as a Mummy-long-leg spiders?"
"No Johnny," mum replies, "They're all
daddy-long-leg spiders."
Upon hearing this, Johnny slams his
palms together and adds a quick twist,
muttering, "Bloody poofters!"
25.
After this horny guy dropped his pants,
the chick was dismayed to see that he had
only a 2-inch dick.
"Who the hell do you think you gonna satisfy
with that?" she demanded.
"Me" said the guy, with a smile.
26.
Two pro's were standing on the corner
when one suddenly turned to the other
and exclaimed, "I know this sounds
crazy, but I smell cock."
"Take it easy," her friend said calmly.
"I just burped."
27.
Over beers, two mates were having a discussion
about the charms of a certain actress.
"I say she's overrated," said one. "Take away her
hair, her lips, and her figure, and what have you got?"
"My ol' lady." said the other.
28.
This little five-year old girl walked in on her parents
while they were making love. She asked her mother
what it was they were doing.
"Oh, daddies just parking his car in my garage." her
flustered mother replied.
The little girl nodded and ran off while her parents
resumed screwing. A few minutes latter they heard
a horrible scream from outside. The parents ran
downstairs and asked their daughter what had
happened.
"Well," the little girl replied. "Johnny from next door
was just parking his little car in my garage but
the back wheels wouldn't fit....so I cut them off."
29.
Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece
for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same
price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up
with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda
got a bigger truck."
30.
A Primary school teacher told her pupils that if they
could answer a question, they could go to lunch early.
She asked little Mary in the front row, "What did you do
at morning tea Mary?"
Mary replied that she had played in the sand pit.
"Okay Mary, "said the teacher. "If you can spell sand
for me, you can go." So Mary spelt out "S -A - N -D"
and off she went.
Then she asked Johnny, "What did you do at morning
tea Johnny?" Johnny replied that he'd played in the sand
pit too. So the teacher said, "If you can spell pit for me,
you can go too." So Johnny spelt out "P - I - T" and took
off as well.
There was a little Vietnamese boy down the back of the
class and she said to him, " Ho Chi Min, what did you
do during morning tea?" Ho Chi Min replied that he'd
wanted to play in the sand pit, but the other kids
wouldn't let him, so the teacher said, "Okay Ho Chi,
if you can spell racial prejudice for me, you can go too..."
31.
An Aboriginal lady was sitting at the back of the bus, nursing her
baby, when a smart - arse skinhead got on. He swaggered up to
the woman and sneered; "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've
ever seen in my life! Yep, that litter sucker sure is ugly!"
The woman burst into tears, gathered everything up and ran
to the front of the bus. She was still blubbering when an old
drunk leaned over her and slurred, "Lady, I don't know what
that young fella said to upset you so much, but if you want to
slap his face, I'll hold your monkey while you do it."
32.
Did you know that with this Wik ruling that they've changed
the laws regarding the burial of Abo's in Australia?
We used to have to bury them 12 feet down because deep down
there really nice people; now they have to bury them two feet down
so they can still get a hand out.
33.
This Faggot goes to the doctor and him to test him for AIDS.
A week later he goes back and the doctor confirms his worst
fears - the tests showed positive.
The fag is destroyed. He breaks down and begs the doctor
to prescribe him something, anything, that'll help.
"Well," the doctor says. "Go down to the health food store
and buy a kilo of prunes, then go to the chemist and get some
strong laxatives; then wander down to the supermarket and
buy a bottle of Tobasco sauce and some chilli powder. Go
home and mix it all together and heat it on the stove for 20
minutes....then drink it!"
The faggot's a bit dubious, "And that'll cure the AIDS?"
he asks.
"No," says the doctor smiling, "but it'll teach you what
you what your arsehole is for!"
34.
Phil and Ted were sitting in a pub and talking about their
wives. Phil was extremely curious and asked Ted why
he kept referring to his missus as Point - O - Five.
Ted laughed and said, "That's simple, mate. She's
the bag I blow into when I get home from the pub."
35.
After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he
has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods
Manufacture and says to the man "Can you do anything with these".
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet.
In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can
do is a wallet!" The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it
will grow into a suitcase."
36.
A bloke was driving along in his car, minding his own business, when
a cop car pulled him over. As he got out of the car a huge pile of rubbish
and crap fell out of the driver's door and onto the cop's feet.
"This car is a fucking pig - sty!" the copper snarled
"Well, you better hop in then " the bloke said with a smile.
37.
A bloke buys a camel from some shonk on a street corner, and he proudly
rides it into the pub car park, causing a bit of a stir with the local drinkers.
"Nice camel, mate" , one of his drinking commented. "Is it male
or female?"
"Female!" the bloke beamed.
"How do you know" his mate enquired."
"Well" , the bloke explained, "On the way here today, at least
twenty people yelled out: 'Hey - look at the cunt on the camel!
38.
A wife went home to her husband and told him she wanted
two thousand dollars for a breast enlargement.
"You want two grand for what?" he replied.
"For a breast enlargement" she replied.
"Listen" said the husband.
"Why don't you wipe toilet paper between your tits every day?"
"Will that make them bigger?" she asked.
Well, it worked for your big arse didn't it!!!" he replied.
39.
A yuppie walked into a doctor's surgery and demanded the
quack have a look at his dick.
"Why, what's wrong with it?" the doc asked.
"I'll show you", the yuppie yelled, and dropped his trousers.
His dick was the size of a jellybean, and the doctor couldn't
help himself. He burst out laughing.
"It's nothing to laugh at," complained the yuppie, close to tears.
"It's been swollen like that for the last three days!"
40.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from
a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's
file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior
indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you
saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
41.
A barefoot Irish girl brought her baby boy to the doctor and told
him. "Doc, my little Paddy just cries and cries all the time. What
do you think the problem is?"
Taking the baby from her, the doctor noticed a strong odour, where-
upon he looked into Paddy's nappy. "Why, Mary!" he exclaimed.
"The problem is that there's at least 16 pounds of yellow shit in
you son's drawers!"
"Naw, that can't be it," the girl replied. "On the box it said "Good
for babies up to 18 pounds." So he's got two more to go."
42.
The tradition of putting an angel on the top of the Christmas tree
has an interesting origin, according to researchers. It seams
that Santa Claus had the flu, his wife hadn't given him any for
a week, Donner and Blitzen had an argument and weren't
pulling together, and the elves were threatening to strike and
refused to fix a runner on the sleigh.
Then, on top of all that, Santa learned that Mrs. Claus's mother
was coming to visit them.
There was a knock at the door. When the old gent opened it,
he say a little angel standing outside. "Hi Santa," piped the
visitor cheerfully. "I've brought your Christmas tree, COD.
Where should I put it?"
43.
After the movie, this bloke takes his new girlfriend back to
his place for some fun and games. When he slid his hand under
her shirt and grabbed her tit, she giggled and pulled her top
off, and the bloke was immediately sucking on her melons.
All of a sudden, the bloke jumped up and headed for the
dunny, where he could be heard pukin' his guts out.
"Fuck, woman." he said as he returned to her side.
"Did you just have a baby or something? 'cause your
givin' milk - and sour milk at that."
"No, I don't have a kid." she answered. "But another
bloke asked me that last week, so I went to have it
checked out."
"Yeah, so what is it." the bloke asked.
"The doctor said it's cancer."
44.
A bloke walked up to a hooker and asked how much
she charged for a hand job.
"$100," she replied.
"Fuck," said the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that Porsche parked over there?" she said.
"I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town."
The bloke thought that this was OK and agreed to
the fee.
The hand job went on for hours. the bloke loved it
so much that he asked how much she charged for
a head job.
"$250," she replied.
"Fuck!" sighed the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"
"See that block of units behind the Porsche?" said
the whore. "I paid for that with cash because I give
the best head jobs in town."
"Crikey," said the bloke. "I'll give that a go."
When the pro finished the best head job the bloke
had ever had, he asked her how much for the real
thing.
"See that factory behind the block of units?" she
asked.
"Yeah," replied the bloke.
"Well," she sighed, "That'd be mine if I had a pussy!"
45.
A bloke walked up to a spunky
woman and said, "Excuse me, can
I smell you cunt!"
"Most certainly not!" she replied
"Then it must be you feet." he said.
46.
Three pregnant woman were happily knitting in
a doctor's waiting room.
After a while, one of them put down her wool and
swallowed a pill.
"If you don't mind me asking," the woman next to
her said, "What was the tablet you just took?"
"Iron," the woman replied. "I don't want my baby
to be anemic."
The mum-to-be smiled, stopped knitting, then popped
a tablet of her own.
"I take calcium," she explained. "I want my baby
to have strong bones."
A few minutes later, the third expectant mother laid
her needles aside and emptied half a bottle of medicine
down her throat.
"It's Thalidomide," she volunteered. "I don't know
how to knit sleeves!"
47.
This bloke's wife was in a coma so he visited her every day to see if there was
a change. One day while he was there, he noticed that his wife's shirt was open
and he could see her breast.
Feeling a little horny, he stroked it.
A smirk appeared on her face.
"Doctor, doctor!" screamed the man. "I think my wife's responding."
"Well, what happened?" asked the doctor.
"I, uh, stroked her breast," the man replied.
The doctor mused over it for a bit and said, "Well, I think you should try fingering her."
The man went back to his wife's room and started doing what the doctor said.
A bigger smirk appeared on her face.
"Doctor, doctor!" screamed the man. "She's really responding!"
The doctor thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, I definitely think you should
try oral sex."
The bloke walked back into his wife's room and all was quiet for a few moments,
then the bloke came running out screaming, "Doctor, doctor! I think she's dead!"
Puzzled, the doctor asked, "what happened?"
"Well," replied the bloke, "I think she choked!"
48.
An Aussie had been wandering around the outback for years when he
finally came to a farmhouse.
A pretty girl met him at the gate.
"D'yer root?" he asked.
"Nah," she replied. "But ya talked me into it ya silver-tongued bastard!"
49.
Two blokes were inspecting a high-rise building site and started talking to a worker.
"I'll show you two how to make and easy dollar,' said the workman. "Watch this."
He dropped a brick off the building and yelled, "Falling brick!"
A lady moved out of the way and the three men rushed down to see if she was OK.
"Oh, thanks for the warning," she said. "Here's $50."
The inspectors thought this was excellent.
When they got back to the top of the building one of the inspectors threw a brick off,
yelled "Falling brick!" and pocketed $100.
The second inspector had a bit of a stutter but he liked a bit of fun.
"I-I-ll h-h-avh a g-go," he said.
He pushed the brick off and yelled, "F-f-f ... Fuck - got him!"
50.
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it."
"Instead of divorcing him why don't you try changing him every time he wants to make
love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room
and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"
51.
A television quiz show ran a competition where audience members had to try and
stump a professor with a word he couldn't use in a sentence.
"Garn!" shouted a bloke.
"Garn? Said the professor. "It isn't a swear word is it?"
"Nah," replied the bloke.
Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.
"You've stumped him!" said the MC. "How, how do you use the word?
"Garn get fucked!" shouted the bloke.
It took the network 12 months to get over the shock but finally they started the
show again.
This time they screened the audience beforehand.
On the opening night a bearded bloke dressed as a priest was the first to put up
his hand.
"Smee," he said.
"Smee?" said the professor. "Smee?"
The seconds ticked away and the professor was forced to concede on the very
first word.
After the applause had died down the MC asked the punter how the word is used.
The Punter jumped up, pulled off his beard and said, "Smee again! Garn get fucked!"
52.
Little Johnny was visiting his uncle's farm in the country when he rushed into the
homestead and yelled, "Uncle, come quick! The bull is fucking the brown cow!"
The farmer shook him by the collar.
"The vicar is coming this afternoon so please watch your language," said the uncle.
"If it happens again just say the bull is playing one of his dirty tricks, right?"
Johnny agreed and went back outside.
About an hour later the vicar was sipping tea and eating cucumber sandwiches with
the farmer and his wife when Johnny rushed in.
"Uncle, the bull has played a dirty trick on the brown cow!" he said.
"Really?" asked the vicar innocently. "How?"
"Don't worry," replied Johnny. "He's just fucked the white one!"
53.
A new Australian said to her girlfriend, "I feel awful sick."
"Have you had a check up lately?" asked her friend.
"No," she replied. "But I have had a Yugoslav!"
54.
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took
$300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed MP replied. "You can't
make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
55.
Mick and Harry were having a drink at the pub one night, when Mick noticed a
blonde making eyes at his mate.
"Go and chat her up," Mick said. "You might score a root."
"So Harry went over to the blonde and started chatting.
But after about 10 Minutes, Harry came back to the table, looking huffed.
"What happened?" Said Mick. "You really looked like you'd score."
"Yeah," said Harry. "Things were going fine until she said, "You can root me if
you've got 10 inches."
"So what's the problem?" asked Mick.
Harry replied, "I'm not folding my dick in half for anyone!"
56.
For six months Fred had been driving the local garbage truck. Every week he noticed
that one household never put out their wheelly bin.
Finally, curiosity got the better of him and he knocked on the door. It was answered by
a little scrawny Chinaman.
"G'day, mate," said Fred. "I'm the local garbo and I wanted to know where's your bin?"
"I bin here," replied the scrawny Chinaman.
"No," replied Fred. "Where's your bin?"
"I told you!" the scrawny Chinaman shouted. "I bin Here!"
"Nah," replied Fred. "You don't understand. Where's your wheelly bin?"
"Oh," said the Chinaman, winking. "I wheelly bin in jail - but I tell everyone I bin here!"
57.
A woman took her young son with her into the shower for the first
time. Naturally, he wanted to know why she didn't have a dick, and
what the fuzzy thing she had instead was.
"Oh, that's my sponge." she replied with embarrassment.
To save her from any more red faces, she made sure he only saw
her when she was wearing panties.
"Mummy, where's your sponge?" the kid asked one day.
"Oh, I've lost it." she lied.
A few months later she was washing up when the nipper came
running in, all excited.
"Mummy, Mummy, I've found your sponge. You know the sponge
you lost." The kid squealed. "The lady next door is wiping Daddy's
face with it!"
58.
A New Zealand footballer came to Australia to play football.
When he arrived, he was told to go and see Wally Lewis.
Wally asked the Kiwi if he was any good on the field.
"Shit, yeah!" replied the Kiwi.
"Okay," said Wally. "We'll give you a run in the first
half and pull you off at half time."
"Shit, that's different." Said the Kiwi. "We only get
oranges at half time in New Zealand!"
59.
The newly weds were terribly shy when it came to sex, so instead
of simply saying, "Let's fuck," they'd say, "Washing machine."
One night the dude puts his arms around his wife and asked,
"Washing Machine?"
"Not tonight honey," she replied. "I'm tired.
He rolled away from her, but in a couple of minutes he began
stroking he thighs and once again ventured. "Washing machine?"
"Darling, I'm really tired." she said. "Beside the point I have a
Headache."
Sighing deeply, the guy moved back to his own side of the bed
and was silent. His wife began thinking about the conjugal
obligation to keep him happy, and soon she turned to him and
whispered. "Washing Machine."
"That's okay." he replied with a yawn. "It was a small load,
so I did it by hand."
60.
Mick, a 22 stone country boy, had a lot of trouble getting dates.
His mates, however, found a 19-stone girl who seemed willing
to go out with him. Before their first date, his mates advised
him to be nice to her at first.
"Complement her on something." they said. "Chicks always
like to hear good things about themselves."
Mick decided to give it a try, and he left to pick up the hefty honey.
His mates were surprised when Mick returned less than an
hour later, alone.
"What happened, mate?" they asked him.
"I dunno." Mick replied. "After walking her from the door to
the car, I took you advice, and she split."
"What did you say to her, Mick?" his mates asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat much."
Mick replied.