Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 10

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting.
When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the
meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions
on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became
confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing
ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech
he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course. He then asked
her if she could tell him what hole he was playing, to which she replied, "I'm on the 7th
hole and you're a hole behind me. That must mean you're on the 6th hole." He thanked
her and went back to playing his game.

On the back nine the same thing happened. He approached her again with the same
request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the clubhouse where he saw the lady sitting at the
end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender told him that
she is a salesperson and plays the course often. He approached the lady and said, "Let
me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help on the course today. I understand
you're in the sales industry. I'm also in sales. What is it that you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said, and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor
and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She says to him, "See, I knew you would
laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he said. "I'm a toilet paper salesman. So, I guess that
still makes me a hole behind you!"

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a wife?
A: A puppy stops whining after you've had it home a weeks.

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept
that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the cheque, and explains to
her what has happened.

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if
you can get disability!"

Q: Why is a Woman's hands so much smaller than a mans?
A: So they can reach into those nasty corners a lot easier.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the track
Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm
trying to take a shit !"

Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.

This lovely young spunk is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty
old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.

He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor.
Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.

When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been
eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young spunk calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in
the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.

Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.

"Reach up there and find out."

She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!"

"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up
there, it'll grow some more!"

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

These two mates go camping in the bush. They're together for almost a week
when they really start to get on each other's nerves.

Jack says to Zack, "How about we split up today. You go north and I'll go
south. We'll meet at dinner and tell the other about our day." Zack
agrees, and they split up.

That night at dinner Jack starts telling Zack, "I went south. I found a
beautiful lake there and stopped to do some fishing. Best fishing of the
whole week, as soon as I put in my line a fish appeared. The sun was
beautiful and warm and I really had a brilliant relaxing day."

Zack says, "I went north and also had a brilliant day. I came across some
railroad tracks. As I walked along next to the railway, there tied to the
tracks was the most beautiful young woman I have ever seen. Full breasts,
tiny waist, long slim legs - she was simply gorgeous, but all tied up. So
I untied her from the tracks and spent the whole day having wild passionate
sex with her."

"Wow" says Jack, "did you get a blow job too?"

"Nope" says Zack, "I couldn't find her head."

Submitted by:
evermoon
USA

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Little Johnny was late for school. When he finally got there his teacher asked,
"Why are you late little Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "My dad got burnt, Miss."

The teacher replied, "I hope it wasn't too bad."

Then little Johnny said, "Don't worry, the crematorium doesn't muck around!"

Submitted by:
Ralph Whittaker
Australia

Q: How do you find a fat girl’s cunt?
A: You flip through the folds until you smell shit, And then go back one.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his
glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent
over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye
staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Q: What's the worst part about raping a dead Jewish five year old?
A: Hearing the pelvis crack.
Q: What's even worse?
A: There's six million more to go.

An Irish Scientist working with a frog:
He cuts off it's front left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
He cuts off it's front right leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
Cuts off the frog's back left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
Finally he cuts off it's back right leg. Tells it to jump but it doesn't jump.
Conclusion : After cutting off all legs, Frog loses Hearing.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

A guy goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a gin and
tonic." The bartender reaches beneath the bar and puts an apple on the
bar. The guy looks at it suspiciously and says, "Where's my drink?" The
bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." Incredibly, the first bite
tastes like gin. The bartender says, "Turn it around." The guy can't
believe it, the other side tastes like tonic. He eats the apple.

A bit later, the guy says to the bartender, "Gimme a vodka and orange
juice." The bartender again reaches under the bar and places an apple
there. The guy, once again eyes the suspicious fruit. The bartender
says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy can't believe it! It tasted like
orange juice. The bartender says, "Turn it around." Again, the apple
tastes like vodka and the man finishes the apple.

Just about then, a beautiful woman passes the two men, and the guy at
the bar says, "You know, I could sure go for eating some pussy right
now." The bartender nods his head and retrieves yet another apple from
under the bar. The man stares at the apple in disbelief and says, "No
way, man!" The bartenders tells him, "Go ahead. Take a bite."

After the first bite, the man angrily spits the apple out and yells,
"Yuck! That apple takes like shit, man!!" The bartender looks at the man
and calmly says, "Turn it around."

Submitted by:
Stacey
USA

Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?

The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear?

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When
I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the
crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his
parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then
continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for
sucking my thumb!"

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.

An Army Sergeant Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam
and says, " My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam
immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.

Sergeant Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips
while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says," My name is
Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body,
DICK, ATTEN-HUN. Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect.

The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like
I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK,
AT EASE. His penis immediately goes limp.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says. 'I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. (a raging hard-on once again) and the follows this display of prowess with the command of DICK,
AT EASE. (His penis goes limp once again.) The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and
asks for the demonstration yet again.

The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and
I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN. His penis becomes immediately erect. And then gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE. The Sgt. Major looks
down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE. Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE. No luck, his penis
is still hard. He yells god dammit and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute asks '"What the hell is going on?"

The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a
miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus
gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus
walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses
drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?"
and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
….front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with
whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young
lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation.

She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news
for you. Which would you like first?"

Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news."

She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."

Submitted by:
Paul Brown
USA

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

A guy pulls up in his car next to a young kid and opens the window
and says:
"If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little girl answers:
"If you give me the whole bag I'll come in your face!"

Q: How do you fuck a fat girl?
A: Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed,
'I really want a car.' Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that
the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.' Still no answer to
his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and
grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped
it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of
twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you
ever want to see your mother again...'

Q: What is a Mexican without a lawn mower?
A: Unemployed.

Q: What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of shit?
A:A bucket.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a nigger?
A: Someone who is too lazy to steal.

Submitted by:
MoShady
USA

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly, a little white duck,
all covered with shit, crossed her path.

"Oh, dear", the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse
and did a good job. After that she urged the duck away, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with shit all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little animal. She warned this one as well and the duck took off.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. "Now I have had it!" She screamed, "what have you been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on - suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes.

"Hey, you, lady!", sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"Not anymore, no.", she answered.

"Too bad, I'll have to use another duck."

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

While visiting Rome, an Australian tourist was filming the Vatican with a new duty-free
video camera.

He just happened to pan across and spot the Pope having a wank in the bushes.

He zoomed in closer and, just as the Pope shot his load, he spotted the tourist filming him.

"Jesus Christ!" he groaned.

Turning to the tourist, he said, "May I buy your camera?"

"No fucking way! I just got it duty-free." Replied the Aussie.

"I'll give you $20,000 for it!" the Pope begged.

"Really?" said the tourist. "Yeah, all right mate."

"Later, a Vatican guard saw the Pope with his new toy.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness, how much did you pay for the video camera?"

"$20,000." Replied the Pope.

"Shit!" said the guard. "Some bastard sure saw you coming!"

Old Chinese proverb:
Rape impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike."

The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The cop says, "Yeah."

The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse,
instead of on top."

Top 10 Reasons
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

The famous Kiwi ship owner, Mr. Keller, was having a house built on a large piece
of land in Wellington.

He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there because I had my first bit
of sex under that tree."

"How sentimental of you Mr. Keller," replied the architect. "That very tree, eh?"

"Yep, that's right," continued Mr. Keller, "and don't damage that tree over the other side because that's where her mother stood and watched me have my first bit of sex with her daughter."

"Her mother just stood and watched you have your way with her daughter?" queried the architect.

"Yep, she sure did!."

"But Mr. Keller, didn't she say anything?" asked the architect.

"Yep, she sure did."

"What did she say?" asked the architect.

"BAAAAAA!"

Q: Why couldn't the cat climb the tree?
A: Cos it's head was nailed to the fence.

A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally
they drew lots and Mitsy was unlucky and went up to the room with him. A minute later,
there was a loud scream.

The madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitsy lay on
the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget nude, and with a three
foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by
the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, "Sir would you mind if we
felt it? We've never seen anything like that before."

The midget sighed. "Okay honey. But only touching. No sucking, I used to be six feet tall.'

Q: What's the hardest thing about fucking a 5 year old?
A: Having to kill them afterwards.

One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said "Gee.. I feel like
a shit"

"Me too", said the bear. So they wandered off to a quite spot and had a shit. Then the bear
said to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No", replied the rabbit.

"Good" said the bear so he grabbed the rabbit and wiped his arse with him.

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt.?
A: A pussy is warm soft and wonderful and a cunts the thing that owns it.

Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his
penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering
what's going on. He tells his mother "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss
it better."

"Johnny your getting more and more like your father everyday." His mother says.

Well that’s all for this archive,
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