While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,
the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through
a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic?
A: To get over his 11 year crack habit.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There, next to the paper roll, were four buttons marked:

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, "Wow, these gals really have it nice."

So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha!", he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!"

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposabe Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great", he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine were just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

Q: What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
A: A quadriplegic in a house fire.

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"

A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."

So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."

"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.

"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

Q: Why do Jews have long, thin pricks?
A: Because they're tightfisted wankers.

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots
a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her. "Pardon me"
he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"

Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.

"My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary
drinker to the bartender.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"

Q. What do you get if you stuff your hand up a Gypsy's cunt when she's on the rag ?
A. Your palm read.

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.

The first one picks them up, smells them and goes "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl".

The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!"

The two of them are then smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:

"Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"

Q: What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift?
A: A box of Assorted Creams!

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

Q: Did you hear about the sluts’ party?
A: Every cunt was full.

A bloke was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got herpes; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

Q: What do you do after you just raped a 12yr old deaf & dumb girl?
A: Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum.

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes, is the answer."
"...if they didn't have pussies, we'd hunt them on horseback."

Guy - "Hey babe… do you want a fuck?
Girl - No!
Guy - "Well lay down and spread your legs, cause I do!"

Q: What turns a nine- stone weakling into a sixteen - stone man of steel?
A: Polio.

A young woman pays a visit to her doctor. She confides in him that she is getting married next weekend and that her husband-to-be thinks that she is still a virgin. She is horrified to think what may happen if he finds out otherwise.

She asks the doctor if there is anything that he can do so that her husband-to-be doesn't find out the truth.

The doctor explained to her that there was nothing that medical science could do for her, but that he did have an idea of his own.

The doctor suggested to her that she put a large size rubber band around her thigh. "When your husband starts to enter you on your wedding night, simply pull back the rubber band real hard and let it snap against your leg. He will think that he popped your cherry!

So she sets herself up with the device. All is proceeding nicely when her husband plunges his stiffy into her love nest. She timed it perfectly, drawing the rubber band way back for maximum effect.

** SNAP! ** went the rubber band against flesh.

The husband screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

She says, "That was my virgin pussy getting fed for the first time!"

He yells, "WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE FED IT SOONER BECAUSE I THINK IT BIT MY FUCKING BALLS OFF!"

Q: Why is Nelson Mandella just like an old W.W.II K-ration?
A: They've both spent a long, long time in the can.

A handsome young man who is wealthy and successful with the ladies now
turning 30 has decided to relax, and stop fooling around and settle down
and get married . But he decides that his wife just has to be a virgin. So
he dates numerous girls and after wine and dine he takes them home and
exposes himself. " What is this ?" He would ask the girl, pointing to his
penis. She would always look bewildered and say "Uh a dick?" Disappointed
he would take her home. After a time he met a shy librarian named Ann,
takes her out, same routine, shows himself and says "What's this?" she says
"I really don't know." ecstatic he marries her and on their honeymoon night
he takes her hand and placing it on his dick says '' Now dear this is a
dick." "Oh no honey, a dick is much bigger, and its black!"

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. After that, it will be okay because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

Q: If America’s go "That’s Incredible." What’s Australia’s version?
A: "Well I’ll be fucked!"

Three blokes were walking along a deserted beach, an Aussie, a Kiwi and a Yank.

The Aussie and the Kiwi came across a naked bloke out like a light on the beach. The bloke was lying there with a huge erection.

The Kiwi, being a gentleman, took off his hat and place it over the huge erect cock.

The Yank walked up and picked up the Kiwi's hat and exclaimed, "My God -- what a big prick!!"

To which the Aussie replied, "Well mate, what else would you expect to find under a Kiwi's hat??"

Q: What's better than fucking a ten year old boy?
A: Rolling him over & finding out he's his seven year old sister.

Selected things to do when you run over your neighbor's cat:

(a) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it.

(b) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy Satanists did it.

(c) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.

(d) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try to explain it.

(e) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim that you're on a "Mission From God".

Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!

Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
A: It's harder to pick up.

Some cowboys were sitting around a campfire telling stories. One of them said, "I know an Indian who never forgets anything. The Devil can have my soul if I'm not telling the truth."

That night the Devil appeared and said, "Come along with me."

"I was telling the truth," the cowpoke replied. "I'll show you."

The two of them went to the Indian. "Do you like eggs?" the Devil asked.

"Yes," the Indian replied.

Then the cowboy and the Devil went away. Twenty years later, the Devil heard that the cowboy had died, and he went off to find the Indian.

"How!" the Devil said, greeting him Indian-style with his right arm raised.

"Fried," the Indian answered.

Q: Why is credit like sex?
A: The ones who need it the most can’t get it.

A hooker had just finished with a client, and being an advocate of safe sex, she took off the guys condom and tossed it out the window. She looks out the window to see a little boy pick up the condom, and thinking that he really shouldn't be playing with it, she rushed down the stairs.

"Little boy, I'll give you $1 for that Twinkie, okay?" The little boy says, "Sure!"

The boy gets home and his mom asks him what he did at school that day. "Nothing, really. But a nice lady gave me $1 for a Twinkie, and I'd already eaten the cream out of the middle!"

Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Of course you don't know! YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE!!!!

A newly-married couple moved into a small house in the neighborhood, and after they didn't show up outside for three weeks, the neighbors came to their door to check on them.

The spokesman for the group introduced himself and said that they were welcome here, but would they like some food brought over, because they must be starving.

The new husband replied that food was no problem - they were living on the "fruits of love." The spokesman said that was just fine and dandy, but would they please stop throwing the skins out the window?

Q: Did you hear about the junkie who was found dead in an alley, with shit in his veins?
A: He'd been shooting craps.

Joe worked in a brewery. One afternoon, his foreman stopped by his house to break the news that Joe had fallen into a huge vat of beer and drowned.

Upon hearing the sad tale, Joe's wife began crying hysterically and sobbed, "Poor Joe - he didn't have a chance!"

"Like hell he didn't," said the foreman. "He climbed out of the vat twice to take a piss!"

Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Two faggots are about to take a shower. The phone rings and Lance says to Rod
"I'll be right back love, so don't start with out me." After a minute or so lance
comes back, and sees sperm splattered all over the wall of the shower
stall. "I thought i told you not to start with out me!" squalled the
little poof in a high pitched faggot squall. "Oh just you relax." lisps the
more masculine Rod. "I didn't start without you, I just farted!"

Q: How do you give a woman freedom of speech?
A: Take your dick out of her mouth.

An old lady is up in her attic when she stumbles across the nightgown she wore on her honeymoon. Feeling horny she puts it on and heads down stairs.

As she is coming down the stairs she catches the eye of her husband. She asks him if he remembers what she is wearing.

He replies, "I sure do."

She then asks him what was the first thought that crossed his mind when he saw her outfit for the very very first time.

His reply was "I was wishing that I could suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She then asks him, "what are your thoughts right now?"

He replies, "My wish has come true."

Q: What's the difference between a pussy & a cunt?
A: A pussy is a sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and useful thing.
…A cunt is the thing that owns it.

Jack and his wife Cathy, were in their backyard one day, when out of nowhere a spaceship landed, and a male and a female alien stepped out. Jack, being a true Aussie, offered them a beer and a joint.

They drank and toked for a few hours, and pretty soon they decided to switch ol' ladies for the night. Off they went into separate bedrooms.

"My, but your well-hung!" exclaimed Cathy when she got an eyeful of the alien's dong. Immediately, the alien slapped his forehead, and his dick grew another three inches. "That's amazing!" she cried, so he hit his forehead a few more times, much to her delight.

Early the next morning, the alien couple got into the spaceship and flew away. Jack turned to Cathy and asked if she had a good time last night.

"It was unbelievable!" she replied. "How was your night?"

"Not so hot," Jack lamented, "She gave me a splitting headache - kept hitting me on the forehead all night long."

Q: What’s black, crispy and comes on a stick?
A: Joan Of Ark.

A group of wives were sitting in a bar, discussing their pet names for their husbands cocks.

"I call my ol' man's cock 'The Curtain,'" laughed the first wife, "because it comes down at the end of each performance."

I call my ol' man's dick 'The Basque Terrorist,'" added the second wife, "because I never know whether it will attack from the front or the rear."

The third wife shrugged. "Myself, I call my ol' man's dong 'The Rumor.'"

"Why is that?" the others asked.

"Because it passes swiftly from mouth to mouth."

Q: What's the definition of a fart?
A: A turd honking for the right - of - way.

There were three guys walking down a beach.. A Jew, a Black guy and a white guy.
They stumble upon a lamp which, naturally, they rub. Out comes the Genie and he
says they each get one wish.

The Jew goes first and says "I wish all my people could go back to Israel and
live in peace and harmony." The genie snaps his fingers and the Jew disappears.

The Black guy goes next. He says, "I wish all my people could go back to Africa
and live in peace and harmony. The genie snaps his fingers and the black guy
disappears.

It's now the white guy's turn. He says, "Wait a minute, all the Jews are in Israel?"
The genie says yes. "And all the Blacks are in Africa?" The genie again says yes.
"OK, I'll take a beer."

Q: What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?
A: They are both looking for dead beaver!

A farmer plows up an old copper lamp. He takes the lamp back to his farm house and begins to polish it up when out pops a genie.

"Master" says the genie, "I will grant you 3 wishes.

The farmer thinks for a bit and then says, "I want a face as handsome as Elvis."

"As you wish master." BOOM! And as he wishes the farmer has a very handsome face.

"Next I would like you to fill my living room with money," says the farmer.

"As you wish master." BOOM! A room full of money the farmer gets.

The farmer thinks about his third wish, as he is thinking he looks out the window and begins to grin. "Genie," says the farmer, "Give me *one* like the horse up on the hill."

The genie also grins, "As you wish master." BOOM! The farmer's grin soon disappears as he looks down to see a huge cunt form between his legs.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your arse?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit!"

Q: What's the difference between Whoopi Goldberg and Adolf Hitler?
A: Whoopi Goldberg is female, Jewish & black' Adolf Hitler is my hero.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground
rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth
operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his
inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and
was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after
trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on
inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three
bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of
glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of
what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.
The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once
again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and
once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt.
Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general
direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more
he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker
with good eyesight.

"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target
and inspecting it closely.

"Yes Sir!" , he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic!
Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent
68-piece set of glassware"

"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another
one of those delicious crusty meat pies".

Q: What did the teacher do for the girl who was having trouble with Sex Education?
A: Kept her after class and pounded it into her.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe and had a couple of things left over in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it flow, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "So what's left in here anyway? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

An insurance salesman tired of being broke all of the time tries to make big by second mortgaging his house and buying a pound of cocaine to sell. But bummer, he tries to sell to an undercover cop.

He winds up in a prison cell with a huge monster of a man, totally ripped, hairy and smelly, totally covered in prison tattoos.

As the former salesman tries to introduce himself he is interrupted by the big con.

"I'll tell you what we're gonna' to do," the con says. "We're gonna' play house, do you want to be the momma, or the daddy?" The con asks.

"Well," the salesman says in a meek voice. Thinking that there is no fucking way that he wants the part of the mommy with this big mother-fucker he says, "I'll be the daddy."

"Well then," says the con, "then how bout' you coming on over here and sucking old momma's dick?"

Q: What’s one thing you can’t get in New Zealand?
A: Virgin wool.

An American walks into a bar, grabs a handful of coins out of his pocket, throws them in the air, pulls a gun and shoots 6 times, and 6 bullets go through the center of 6 coins - and says: "My name is Bill... Buffalo Bill".

Right after that, a Russian stands up from behind the bar, pulls his pants down and everyone can clearly see he has three enormous dicks hanging down - and says: "My name is Bill... Cherno-Bill"

Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in
my attic."

"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."

"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."

"What is it son."

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

Q: Why does the crack of your arse go up and down instead of across?
A: So when your sliding downhill, you don’t mumble.

This kid was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked
his dad and asked, "What's up son?" The kid replied, "Dad, I really need
a fuck, I'm really horny!" With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet
and said, "Hear you go son, go in to Kings Cross tonight and get a root."
"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day the kid returns, walks into his room feeling tall and mighty.
In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you go last night?" the kid
then replied, "Hey dad, I got a fuck last night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow son, how did you manage that?" the father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went up town like you told me and I met grandma up
there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".

The fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! you fucked my mother?" The
kid said, "why not dad, you fuck mine!"

I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

Three retards are walking and come across a turd

The 1st one sticks his eye in it and says to the others "It looks like it !"

The 2nd one sticks his nose in it and says to the others"It sure smells like it !"

The 3rd one licks it and says to the others "It sure tastes like it, good thing we
didn't stand in it!"

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

A fag went to Denmark to have a sex change operation performed. When "she" returned, a friend asked, "How did it go?".

"Oh awful, just awful", she replied.

"What was so awful?", asked the friend, "Did it hurt a lot when the removed the extra parts?".

"Oh no, that wasn't bad", she replied.

"Well, did it hurt when they put in the silicone implants?"

"Oh no, that wasn't bad".

Well then, what was so awful?"

"It was when they cut a hole in my head and took out half my brain!"

When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of life: if you can't EAT it or FUCK it, PISS on it!

Well that’s all for this archive,
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AUSSIE JED'S TASTELESS JOKES ARCHIVE INDEX