Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 12

These are all from previous mailings of my
Jed's Joke-a-phile Mailing List
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A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at
the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after
you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a
snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!

A wino walked into a bar one day, and started begging for drinks.
One of the patrons tells him he'll buy the old sot a drink, but
first he has to take a drink from the spittoon over in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes
over and picks up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts
chugging away.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really believe the wino would take
him up on his offer, is horrified. "Stop! Stop!" he yells, "I'll
buy you a drink now!"
But the wino keeps on drinking from the spittoon.
Again the guy at the bar calls out, "Stop! Put the spittoon down!
I'll buy you a drink!"
But the wino keeps on drinking. Finally, after about five minutes
he stops, and puts the spittoon down.
So they guy at the bar says, "Hey, didn't you hear me telling you
to stop? Why didn't you stop?"
"I couldn't," the wino replies, "it was all one string."

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a dick?
A: A dog stops coming if you beat it

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife.
The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling
them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it
once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first
guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's
not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast
says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his house... He bangs
on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around.
He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this
voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"

Q: What's the difference between Whoopi Goldberg and Adolf Hitler?
A: Whoopi Goldberg is female, Jewish & black' and Adolf Hitler is my hero.

This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam
said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a really
old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for $5.00.
They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a while,
however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and they
started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!
She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt great for me too!"

Three men are travelling the Amazon, a German, an American,
and a Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons. The
head of the tribe say to the German, what do you want on
your back for your whipping? The German responds, "I will
take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon
whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these
huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons
haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you
want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack,
and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10
lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on
your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll
take the Polack!"

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.
They decide that when they get home, they'll do the first thing that the
women ask.
The next night, their in the same bar.
The first guy says, "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was
sitting on the couch watching TV, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch.
my wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still
smouldering."
The second guy said, "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and
dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear
the whole car apart? It took me all night."
The third guy said, "you guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in
the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached
down, and she said 'Cut that out!' Ever seen one of these real close?"

Q: What candy did Hitler hate more then any other?
A: Jew Jew Beans... Although I heard he enjoyed them "roasted!"

Q: Why don't Jews eat pork?
A: They may be a lot of things, but CANNIBALS they're not!

Q: Why do Jewish bitches only sleep with circumcised men?
A: They want 20% off everything!

Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat!

Q: What's the definition of a queer Jew?
A: Someone that likes girls more then money.

Q: What's the Jewish version of foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging.

Q: What do you call ten Jewish bitches in a basement?
A: A WHINE cellar.

Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
A: They put parking meters on the roof!

Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a Jew?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

Q: How was copper wiring invented?
A: Two Jews fighting over a penny!

Q: Why is money green?
A: Because Jews pick it before it's ripe!

Q: Why aren't Jews attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy!

May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilletic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from
England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day
I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only
his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer.
After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer towelling themselves
off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve
your game for tomorrow."
The other ant asks: "Why?"
The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup tomorrow."

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
A: Slap the bitch

Q: What's the best gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy

Q: What is that black goo between elephants toes?
A: Slow moving natives

Q: What's worse than ten dead babies in one garbage can?
A: One dead baby in ten garbage cans

The country was in such a terrible state,
parliament rose for a budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Howard spoke
And then he said, "Sex will cost ten quid a poke"

Whether you're short, long skinny or thick,
The tax will be paid on the use of your prick
Costello said ,"Now Howard, please, look here,
Will the tax still be paid for the boys who are queer?"

Minister Downer arose and looked glum,
"Will I be exempt coz I only like Bum?"
Howard replied and sounded quite airy,
"You'll fucking pay double, you dirty old fairy!"

Up got Kim Beazley to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Stott Despoja and whipped off her drawers
He straddled across her and fucked her at will
Then shouted at Howard "Put that on your bill!"

Evans shouted "I think I'll resign,
I haven't had pussy for a very long time
I dream every night of a big juicy crutch
But ten quid a jump is a bit fucking much"

The debate carried on, Oh what a night!
Mal Colston was bonking every woman in sight
The whole house was screwing, the speaker was too
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got through

So now in the bedrooms of Australia each night
There is many a fanny closed up good and tight
They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes

If ten dollars a time is the price we must pay
It is now with ourselves we all must play,
So to quench our frustration's we must have a wank
For the state of our country we have John Howard to thank!!!!

~~~

Q: How do you circumcise a Redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honour, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

~~~

This Redneck girl asks her father if she could borrow the car to
go out one Friday night. Her Pa says to her "Okay, but you know
what ya gotta do first." So, she gets down on her knees and starts
sucking. After a few strokes, she stops and says, "Hey Pa, why
does your dick taste like shit?" To which her dad replies " Aw hell,

I forgot, your brother has the car tonight!"

~~~

A guy was walking around the parking lot with his keys in his hand,
A cop pulls up and asks him if there was anything wrong. The guy
replies " They stole my car."
The cop asks him where he saw it last. He says " At the end of my key."
The cop seeing that the guy is plastered, looks him over and notices
that his dick is hanging out of his pants. The cop points this fact
out to him. The guy looks down and says, " Oh shit, they stole my
wife too!"

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking
itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes.
The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your ugg boots"

Three gays are in a spa bath - Suddenly a blob of semen floats to the
surface of the spa.
They all look at each other and one says to the other two:
"Ok, which of you two morons farted?"

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms.
The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all
line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs
is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten
lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see
bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better
dive down to rescue him. He pick up the head, swims back up to the
surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three fucking years
I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes
before the race, some prick puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"

These next two jokes are from James Daly in England
James Daly's Tasteless Home Page
http://homepages.force9.net/respect/

Q: How do you bring up kids in Australia?
A: Kick a dingo in the stomach.

Q: What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after luring him into his car?
A: Hey, go easy on those fucking sweets.

Q: Why did god invent football?
A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Q: Why do woman always appear to be changing their minds?
A: It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Q: Why hasn't a woman walked on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various
methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that
the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the
heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her
heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that
her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot
herself in the left kneecap.

A bloke went into the fish shop and asked for some fush n' chups."
"Ar! you're a Kiwi, eh?" said the proprietor. The New Zealander was
sick and tired of this so he spent the next three months at an
elocution class.
He finally returned to the shop and asked, in perfect English for
some "Fish and Chips"
"Ah you are a kiwi, eh?"
"How the hell did you know that?"
"Because this has been a hardware store for the last two weeks."

~~~

The New Zealand couple finally worked out a solution to the eternal
love triangle. They ate the sheep.

~~~

A Kiwi farmer was counting his sheep:
"205, 206, 207, hello darling, 209, 210...."

~~~

The farmer's wife gave him a plate of grass for his dinner.
"What the hell's this?" he exploded.
"If its good enough for you girlfriend then it's good enough for you!"
she said.

~~~

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
and didn't know where to find them
But a search revealed they where in the next field
With a dirty big Kiwi behind them.

Q: Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
A: Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime!

Q: How many niggers does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, that's women's work!

Q: What did the husband do when he saw his wife staggering around the backyard?
A: He reloaded and shot her again!

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

Two gay homosexuals were talking when one of them happened to
mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.
"Can I see it?" asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his cock.
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the
bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again
and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of
the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and
asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring
all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and
every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out
of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No
wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you asshole!!!

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me any more?"

That’s all for this archive,
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