Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 13

These are all from previous mailings of my
Jed's Joke-a-phile Mailing List
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A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this
whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat
down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"
He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and
starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what
I want?" And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and
starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?" And
he says, "Yeah - you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband
with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney
fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "Clumsy bitch."

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down
toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is
this stool taken?"

A young girl is speaking with her father.
"Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's my hedgehog."
"Wow, it's got a massive cock."

Two black gals are shuffling down the road, when the older one asks
the younger one...
"Honey Chil'...how old is you??"
The younger gal just shook her head and said sadly...
"Don' know fo' sho'... on a counta my Mama never done learn hows to
count... but she be recknin' I's either 'leven or I's fo'teen..."
So the older gal says....
"Tell me sumptin', baby...Wha's the best thang you ever done had in yo'
mouth??"
"Sheeeeh"..says the young girl. "Tha's easy...That be bein' a big ol'
slice o' aunt Maybelles blueberry pie, yes maam!!!"
The first gal shakes her head, chucklin....
"Chil'...you's eleven!!!"

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife
wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?

8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!

A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a mission to
find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty
to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they
came upon the crash site.

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a
bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of other bones, he noticed the
rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile
of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten all
of his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head
in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so
wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in
disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive,
but my God man... your plane only went down yesterday !! "

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"

Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!

Q: How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
A: The Blacks get car insurance.

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q: Why are there 2 X's on Dos Equis beer?
A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer.

Q: Did you hear about the new car being built in Mexico especially for Mexicans?
A: There are two models: the ten passenger coupe and the thirty passenger sedan.

Q: Did you hear about the terrible accident on the L.A. freeway where 37 people were killed?
A: Two cars carrying Mexicans collided.

Q: How do you get a dead baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a penata!

Q: Why can't Mexican dogs do tricks?
A: Because the owner has to be smarter than the dog to teach it anything.

Q: What is a Mexican's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the cardoor.

Q: Why don't vampires go south of the border?
A: Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the shits for a month.

Q: Why did they take the "911" numbers off police patrol cars?
A: Mexicans kept stealing the patrol cars, thinking they were Porsches.

Q: What are Mexicans?
A: Living proof that Indians fucked buffaloes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus?
A: I don't know, but it sure can pick strawberries!!!!

Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A: A dry Martinez.

The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few
hours and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies.
"My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!"
Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and punched
her in the mouth.

An American Indian goes into an unemployment office:

"Can I help you," asks employment officer?

"Me looking for job" replies the wagonburner.

"Oh, I see" says the officer, as he looks through his card file...
"Here's one for you! It's only four hours a day, and four days a week,
but it has full benefits, and pays $150,000 per year"

"You got to be kidding", says the Indian!

"You started it," says the officer, with a smile.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's
a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to
Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's
lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to
have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up
a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears
her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring
it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the
bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like
to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and
things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me
lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and
pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE,
WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Ten years ago, the Muppets disappeared off of the
face of Hollywood. After a series of intense
investigations, some very startling and disturbing
information was discovered.

Kirmit D. Frog - He now has an exercise video that
he advertises on late night television right after Jojo's
Psychic bullshit. He is competing with the crazy
bitch with no hair and the steroid monkey with the
ponytail.

Gonzo - He fried his brains on cocaine laced with
rancid relish found under Scooter's bed.

Gonzo's Chickens - They now work as Playboy
bunnies at the Hefner mansion.

Miss Piggy - Having lived an extravagant life, she
was broke and destitute, so she had to resort to
prostitution to support her drug habit and
illegitimate half-pig half-frog son.

Scooter - After many years as the Muppet show's
drug pusher, he finally made it big as a major
international drug smuggler, residing in Le Paz,
Bolivia. He now frequents the likes of Hugh Hefner
and Bob Guccionne.

Sam the Eagle - He was brutally murdered in cold
blood on stage by a poacher.

The Old Geezers - Waldorf bludgeoned his partner
to death with his wooden chair out of sheer
frustration. For this, he was convicted of murder and
fried in the electric chair by judge Ito.

Little Robin - He suffered a tragic death, he was the
unfortunate victim of a drive-by shooting in the LA.
riots. His skin tone was apparently mistaken for the
colours of a rival gang.

The Crew of Pigs in Space - They were all
mechanically separated. You may now find them in
tins of SPAM on the shelves of your local
supermarket.

Animal - Despite his rambunctious image, Animal
managed a well-stocked portfolio or blue chip
stocks. He obtained a hefty on certain high risk/high
gain venture. He may be seen on occasion dining
with Donald Trump at The Russian Tea Room in
New York.

Fozzy Bear - He was forcibly ejected from the Betty
Ford Clinic For a severe addiction to polish pickles
and deflowering young goats by sodomy.

Beeker - After many years of suffering and many,
many tubes of Preparation-H, everybody's favourite
lab rat, assisted by Professor Honeydew and a large
stick, finally died of chronic, infected, bleeding
haemorrhoids.

Swedish Chef - after having mechanically separated
the entire crew of Pigs in Space on the orders of Miss
Piggy, the Swedish Chef, being an illegal alien, was
deported back to Sweden. In his defence, and we
quote, "Bork, Bork, Bork."

Ralph the Dog - After years of rumours and denial,
on his death bed at the AIDS clinic, Ralph the Dog
came out of the closet and admitted to that he was
Jim Henson's secret gay lover.

The Sax Player - He left the Muppet Show's band to
join a religious cult that worships Fabio.

The Zucchini Brothers - They had the misfortune of
being in their canon while it was being requisitioned
by the US. army for Operation: Desert Storm. They
were last seen flying over Iraq.

Professor Bunsen Honeydew - After having
successfully completing an experiment, in total
disbelief, feeling that he has lost his touch, he
committed suicide by Bunga-Bunga.

The remainder of the cast and crew - perished in the
explosion of the theater, possibly a practice bomb set
by Timothy McVay and John Doe #2. No survivors
were found.

Two buddies were sharing drinks, while discussing their wives.

"Does your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well, no, not exactly. She's more into the 'trick dog' aspect of it," his
buddy replied.

"Oh, I see! Man! Kinky, huh!?"

"Well, no, not at all. You see, it's like this... I sit up 'n' beg, then
she rolls over and 'plays dead'."

Two blacks and a Polack are walking down the street. One black
snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm." The other
black snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got the rhythm."
The polack snaps his fingers and says, "Yo man, I got this snot
on my finger!"

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop
took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have
a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on
his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a Pussy stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched,
so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and
farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick
it at the end of a bridge!

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about
to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about...
Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired
and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the
roast beef you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. She had only
some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you
had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I
gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore
because the color didn't suit you.. Her pants were worn out so I gave
her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for you
now. Then, when she was about to leave the house, she paused and
asked: "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?

As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before
he dies god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so
he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole
life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain
conditions are met:

"First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform
on her body!"

"Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I
will be performing on her body!"

"Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be
performing on her body."

The angel writes these down and begins to float away to reports back to God.
Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing."
"What is it," says the Angel. The Pope whispers "Big tits."

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