Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 14

These are all from previous mailings of my
Jed's Joke-a-phile Mailing List
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One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting
in the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early."
He says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up
the ass or you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries
to wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that
he is going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up.
He gets out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he
is going to give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and
get their stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back
in she has to be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about
30 minutes and when he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and
lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his
cooler and opens it.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry
and he reaches into his lunch box, taakes out a bag of cookies and
eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I
have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says,
"That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,
"I know, it's fucking magic."

The naughty old bishop of Birmingham
buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em
as they knelt before god
he pulled out his rod
and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs
called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks
on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what
can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad
and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that
my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he
actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick
replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

10. "You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't
….the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for."

9. "Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even
.…if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."

8. "This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
….have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept
….no substitutes."

7. "If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do.
….I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine."

6. "Feel the Force, motherfucker."

5. "What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?"

4. "You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"

3. "Yeah, Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna
….do? He's a Wookie."

2. "Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?...Jabba the Hutt don't like to
….be fucked by anyone, except MRS. Hutt."

...And the Number One Thing We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson say in the
Star Wars Prequels...

1. "Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'BAD MOTHER FUCKER.'"

***

A Jew is sitting in his favorite bar with a friend, having a drink. He
is telling his bud about his financial difficulties. "You know Stan, it's
awful hard these days to make ends meet, if only I could figure some way
to earn a little more income, I think we could make out ok." "Well," Says
Stan. "Why don't you rent out one or two of the suites in your house, I
mean it quite big- " "Aww Stan think about it, we're Jews, most of the
rooms in the house are converted to my wife's make up parlours, or else
they are used to store her fur coats." So they sipped in silence for a
while and then left. A couple of weeks later Stan walked into the bar
and saw his friend sitting down, having a drink, and obviously in much
better spirits. "Hiya Stan!" Called the Jew. "Come siddown and let me
buy you a drink!" "Well" Says Stan, "You seem to be in a good mood, I
guess you have found a solution to your slight money problems?" "Yes,"
Says Dave the Jew, as the bartender poured, "You know that old out house
shitter we've got in the back of our home? Well, my wife came up with the
idea, that we start using it, and in no time, we were able to rent out
the basement to a bunch of fuckin' Pakis for $800. an month!

***

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"

***

This paki goes to his doctor. He complains that his left leg has turned white, and
wants to know if it is serious. The doctor examines the limb, and after fingering his
beard a moment, turns around and leaves the room.
Ten minutes later the Doc. comes back into the room with a large jar, and
giving it to the paki, says: "Drink this up, and I am certain that your
problem will be gone. So the paki gulps the medicine down. When done, his
leg immediately turned back to its natural brown color, and he has an
awful grimace on his face. "God!" He says, "That tasted like shit!"
"Yes, it is." smiles the doctor, "You were off a quart!"

***

Writing I saw on my bathroom wall:

I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet, I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead and long forgotten,
I'll dig her up, and fuck her rotten!

***

This Hindu bloke walks into a meat packers office and in a
terrible, almost unintelligible Paki accent asks the manager
if he can buy a whole cow. The manager tells him that this
will be no problem and says that he will have it butchered
immediately. "NO! NO! NO!" screams the little coco coloured
cloth head. "In my country cow is very very sacred no kill cow,
cow is eating everything walking everywhere shitting everywhere
never kill cow."
"Oh" says the manager "I see, well so you want a live animal
then, no problem sir. It will be here this afternoon." Then
after a pause- "Just out of curiosity sir if you don't mind
my asking, but this is a big dense city what are you going
to do with this cow?"
"Oh vell!" Laughs the smelly little rag. "I will keep it in
my apartment."
"Really " Replies the manager. "But what about the smell and
the shit and the flies..."
"Oh, vell." Says the Paki. "She will just have to get used to it!"

A guy goes to see this hooker who is said to have the world's biggest
pussy. He starts fucking her but she's WAY too big and he's getting
no satisfaction, so he slides his whole body inside her and tries
to get off, but he falls in. He's groping around in the dark and he
lights his lighter and starts walking around. After a while he
drops the lighter by accident and starts crawling around looking for
it. He bumps into another guy. "Hey" he says, "You're lost in
here too, eh? Listen, if we can find my lighter, we can walk out
of here." "Hell," says the other guy, "If we find my car we can
*drive* out of here!"

Three blokes were walking along a deserted beach, an Aussie, a Kiwi
and a Yank.
The Aussie and the Kiwi came across a naked bloke out like a light
on the beach. The bloke was lying there with a huge erection.
The Kiwi, being a gentleman, took off his hat and place it over the
huge erect cock.
The Yank walked up and picked up the Kiwi's hat and exclaimed,
"My God -- what a big prick!!"
To which the Aussie replied, "Well mate, what else would you expect
to find under a Kiwi's hat??"

We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and
relaxation.
"What better place than Rome," thought Count Dracula, and he
immediately packed his bags and set off for a week's visit. He caught
the first plane out of Transylvania and headed for the Eternal City.

Tired and hungry after his long journey, he called room service as
soon as he had arrived at his hotel room. Since nothing on the room
service menu seemed appealing, he simply ordered a sandwich. Dracula
quickly grabbed the waiter who delivered the sandwich, bit him
hungrily on the neck, drank his blood completely, and tossed him out
the window, where the bloodless waiter fell ten stories to land at the
feet of an itinerant street singer.

The Count's hunger was great, however, and he decided he needed room
service again. He ordered another sandwich, and when it arrived, he
immediately grabbed the room-service waiter, bit his neck, drank all
his blood, and tossed him out the window. The waiter landed directly
on the same street singer ten floors below the window.

Well, you know how vampires are. They have huge appetites, and Dracula
needed more. He then drank the blood from a third waiter and tossed
him out the same window.

When the third Italian waiter fell at the feet of the street singer,
the singer could only respond by singing: "Drained wops keep
falling on my head."

A son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news
that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had
a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate
it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them
that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why
did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a
blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off
without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket
of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his
life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum
into that damned bucket.
The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've
got to help me!"
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"
"I have! I still don't get enough."
"Take another lover."
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"
"Gosh, that's an anomaly."
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me
I'm a whore!"

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

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