Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 15

These are all from previous mailings of my
Jed's Joke-a-phile Mailing List
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A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit up on the mahogany, and
starts drinking. While he's drinking, the rabbit starts doing little
rabbit pellets on the bar.

After a while, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in.
He says, "Hey, barkeep, give me a drink for me, a drink for you, what
do you say, there's nothing to do."

He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth,
annoying the bartender. Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets. He says,
"Hey, barkeep, what are these?" The bartender says, "They're smart
pills." The loudmouth says, "Can I try a few?" The bartender says,
"Knock yourself out." The guy pops a few in his mouth, chews for a while,
then spits them out and exclaims, "Yuck! These taste like shit!" The
bartender says, "You're getting smarter already."

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She
goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers
that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The
teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom,
and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to
the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general
commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find
him sitting at his desk with his pants unzipped. "I thought I told you
to call your mom," she says. "I did," he says, "and she told me that
if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school."

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after
….you dump a load into it.

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model
Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the
panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

Since Iraq got a free fireworks and air show last week to liven
up their otherwise dull existence thanks to the kind generosity
of the American and British governments (god bless their
generous souls) here's a few Iraqi and Saddam jokes to celebrate
the occasion.
A special thanks to Buddha in Brisbane for sending me these.

***

Q: What's the difference between American and Iraqi pilots?
A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind!

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defence system?
A: A refund.

Q: What does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving?
A: Turkey.

Q: Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter?
A: Because they couldn't find a Jetliner.

Q: Have you seen the new Iraqi Flag?
A: White stars on a white field.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do you get when you put 30 Iraqi women in a bomb shelter?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: Did you hear about the new musical group in Iraq?
A: Their called "No Kids on the Block"!

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. The electricity's been off for a month anyway.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.

Q: How do you get 30 Iraqis into a phone booth?
A: Tell them it isn't theirs.

Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common?
A: The USA have bombed the shit out of all of them!

Q: "What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?"
A: "They both pulled out a little too late... Kuwaitis Interruptis!"

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common?
A: When they look out their windows, they both see rubble!

Q: How do you get 200 Iraqis out of a bingo hall?
A: Shout "B-52!"

Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck

Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive.

SAFE SEX TIPS

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a
matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips
to help you "play it safe":

* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens
for cash, then buy the crack directly.

* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay;
resultant loss of erection will prevent potential
unsafe sex.

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood.

* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in
the clergy from harm."

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

* Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried
and scabbed over before use.

* When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an
equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of
CHI imbalance.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar,
be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before
penetrating ape.

* You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue
before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Three faggots die in a car accident. All three were cremated... after
the funeral their lovers were talking about what was to become of the
ashes.
The first fag said "well, my lover was a pilot, He just loved to fly, so I
am going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the air."
The next fag says, "my lover was a sailor, He just loved the water, I am
going to scatter his ashes in the ocean."
The final fag says, "well, my partner was a great lover, he just loved to
screw, I am going to mix his ashes into a pot of my Texas three alarm
chili so he can tear my ass up one more time."

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats.
The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine.
Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!"
The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall
15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him
ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks
in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist
who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get
the grin off her face."

Q: What did the necrophiliac pedophile say when he couldn't come in to work?
A: I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little stiff.

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?"
Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend,
he looks much worse".
Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God,
you look terrible."
Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."
Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates,
and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"
"No, I'm Mother Theresa.

A Holiday Gift "For Someone You Don't Like"

"THE DR. KEVORKIAN GIFT CERTIFICATE".

A gift certificate good for one free visit to "DR. JACK KEVORKIAN"
the suicide doctor.

Every Christmas there's always someone for whom "YOU JUST HAVE TO BUY A
GIFT". That "Special Someone" you really don't like!

You now have the opportunity to let that someone, know exactly how you
feel, by sending this perfect "let them know how I feel" gift. Be it
your boss, employer, employee, co-worker, ex-boy/girlfriend, relative,
politician, or the Christmas party host that invited you just for spite.

"THE DR. KEVORKIAN GIFT CERTIFICATE" is perfect for all occasions!
Remember! It's better to give it to them before they give it to you.

"THE DR. KEVORKIAN GIFT CERTIFICATE" is printed on decorative
certificate paper, with a special inscription, which will make-a-point
of just how special they really are. In addition we have included a
space for the recipient's and giver's name.

Not only is it a great gift idea, but it's also a great conversation
piece.

Order Now and beat the Christmas deadline.

1 GIFT CERTIFICATE $ 5.00
3 GIFT CERTIFICATES $10.00
6 GIFT CERTIFICATES $15.00

Send Cash or check to: Ad-Lines
P.O. Box 7133
Orange, CA 92863-7133

Please note: Cash orders are mailed immediately,
checks may take two weeks to process.

Q: What's the worst part about having your dick stuck in a dead baby's cunt?
A: Taking it out and realizing from the shit that's all over it, that it wasn't really the cunt!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of
an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant
Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch
cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I
will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and
then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon
castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast
of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and
shallot cream sauce.

This next cute little inspirational poem was sent in by Sally.
It's sure to bring a tear of joy to every Redneck and Tasmanian
who reads it. :)

Daddy slid in bed with me.
And slid his "thing" in my pee-pee.
Now the result is plain to see,
as my tummy's big as it can be.

It really feels neat to me
when Daddy slides his thing in me
I begged him show me how to suck
his big prick, and how to fuck.

Now Daddy fucks me every night.
Together we make up quite a sight.
I won't let Daddy pull it out,
'cause that's what sex is all about.

I've been helping out my mother,
have my sis or little brother
in my tummy, so I can be
Mom to Sis, just like MY mommy.

Mom was once a girl like me,
being fucked by HER daddy.
Then she had her little sis,
Once Daddy gave her that kind of kiss.

I've been helping Mom since eight,
and now my period's REALLY late.
Six months or more, to be sure.
That's 'cause I'm Daddy's little whore.

Daddy likes to cum in me.
and squirt his sperm in my pee-pee.
Those little wrigglers twist and squirm
up in my womb, just like a worm.

Daddy's sperm have joined with my
egg inside me, so that I
can feel his baby in my tummy.
Is there ANYTHING so yummy?

So while I'm pregnant with Daddy's kid,
we'll keep on doing just what we did,
to get my tummy in this way,
we suck and fuck the day away.

Mom says there's nothing like the fun
of having a brother as your son,
unless it all the fun you'd miss
of having your own little sis.

This farmer had really bad sexual perversions that always
got him into trouble . He loved to fuck chickens .His first
wife said to him , "Do you feel like chicken tonight." ...
How did you find out that I fuck chickens ... she ended
the marriage . He then started secretly fucking Cows and
remarried . His second wife said , "Do you feel like steak
tonight" ... How did you find out that I've been fucking
the cows .... she left him . He decides he's getting older
and he's always getting caught he'd better get more
domestic . He moves to the city and starts secretly
fucking a household cat . He remarries for a 3rd time and
his wife says , "Honey , do you feel like eating my pussy
tonight " ... He said , "You're sick!"

Twinkle Twinkle little knife,
Adept you are at taking life,
I love the glitter as you slash,
people who are carrying cash.

It's a troubled day in heaven.

God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is
full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the
Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw
out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll
have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni
Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can
only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you
should be admitted to Heaven."

Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful
voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing
praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded
better."

Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the
cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin
cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will
never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find
something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties,
whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"

Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?" Freddie cries.
"We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she
performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal
flush beats a pair of queens any day."

MY FAVOURITE DRUGS
(Sung to My Favourite Things)

Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favourite drugs.

Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favourite drugs.

Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favourite drugs.

On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favourite drugs
And then I'm not sad I'm dead!

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye,.. that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord,... didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

A Chinaman arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinaman jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinaman jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a
deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During
the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done
she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
dives under the bed... and finds four Chinaman.

A man with a poodle walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks for a
pack of Camels. The bartender told the man he was sorry, but they had
just run out of cigarettes. "Don't worry 'bout it" reassured the man
"I'll just send my dog across the street for some."
Going though his pockets, the man realized he only had a $50 note.
"Pack of Camels, pal" he said slipping the money into the dogs mouth "And I
want to see plenty of change". The dog trotted off out the door.
"The dog is something else" said an admiring customer "Is he really
going to bring you back a pack of cigarettes?"
"You bet. My dog can do anything.." But then his list of his poodles
exploits was interrupted by the screech of tires outside the bar.
Turning pale the dogs owner ran outside and to his relief saw his dog
had not been hit.
The reason for the for the cars sudden stop was very clear though. Right
in the middle of the road his poodle was humping another dog.
"What's going on?" asked the man running up to his dog. "You never did
anything like this before!!!"
Humping away the dog looked up and said "I've never had fifty bucks
before"

This lovely little brain teaser which was sent in by Stan. (thanks mate)
I would have liked to have ended with something really Tasteless, but I
guess this would have to do :)

Mmmm... let's think about this...

Suppose someone arranges a "partial birth sodomy", in which (just like in
a partial birth abortion) that baby's ass is delivered, but its head
stays tucked into its mother's womb. The pedophile in question now
buggers the baby's behind...

Is this a Menage A Trois?

If he does this without the baby's consent, is that rape (or child
molesting if the baby does consent?) And if so, then how come it's OK to
suck the baby's brains out through a hose without anaesthetic, but not to
pump a little sperm into its ass?

If he does it without the mother's consent, is he raping the mother?

If the baby grows up to have a scandalously "loose" asshole, presumably
it (he) can sue the pedophile for "wrongful buttfucking". But if he
sucks the baby's brains out afterward, then it's dead - can it still sue
him for the incontinence problems it might have had? Surely it can't sue
him for aborting it!

Does this qualify as "prenatal child abuse?" And if so, who's guilty -
the mother or the pedophile?! Or is it "postnatal child abuse", based on
the theory that whatever part abused determines pre-vs.-post natal?

Who's guilty of Unnatural Sex Acts - pedophile, mother, or baby?

That’s all for this archive,
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AUSSIE JED'S TASTELESS JOKES ARCHIVE INDEX