Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 16

These are all from previous mailings of my
Jed's Joke-a-phile Mailing List
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A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes
his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks,
"Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his
face, then he spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about
10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?"
The man replies by spitting and saying, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"

The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to
the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem
here?" The man spits and says, "Mother Fucker sure can drive!"
The manager tells him, "look this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if
you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't
have to throw you out."
The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler
and I had this nineteen year old green horn kid driving, we were coming
down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of
us-so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your
dick!--*SPIT*--AND THAT MOTHER FUCKER SURE CAN DRIVE!!"

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes
to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick
him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But since he only has five dollars, they
kick him out, too.
By this time, he's super-horny, so he goes to the next one and says,
"Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow job!"
The manager there takes pity on him, and says "Okay. For five dollars,
we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?" he asks.
The manager grins. "You'll find out!" he assures the eager man.
He takes the five dollars, and leads the horny man to a bedroom.

The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin." Soon, a
whore comes in and starts giving the guy a really hot blow job. Just as
he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. The horny guy
waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting, "HEY!
WHAT'S A PENGUIN??"

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and
hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water
trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old
man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the
water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is
falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt
shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the
fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and
rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

New, from Mattel...!

[ANNOUNCER]

New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures!
With realistic healing and smiting action!

[VOICE OVER]

[child #1]
"Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is
getting away!"

[whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins]

[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass."

[child #2 in G.I. Joe voice]
"Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!"

[ANNOUNCER]

Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new
Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure.

[Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor]

He's back from the dead and he's pissed.

[VOICE OVER]

[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil
is stronger than good?"

[child #1 in Jesus voice]
"That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even stronger!"

[Jesus figure transforms into dinosaur]

[child #2 in Skeletor voice]
"No!... Jesusaurus!"

[Dinosaur tramples Skeletor and than transforms back into Jesus figure]

[ANNOUNCER]

Mighty-Morphin'-Jesus transforms into Dino-Jesus and back with just a twist!

Secret panel in Jesus' back holds water, manna, and grappling hook.
(sold separately)

Batteries not necessary.

Also available, new Mighty-Morphin'-Moses and friends.
Collect them all!

An Englishman, Irishman and an Aussie went for a round of golf
and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the
course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over
her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
that I have to make the odd sacrifiice. Usually no one notices.
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her
skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irishman was livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance
I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Aussie's wife caught her foot on
an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her
irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Aussie thrust his hand into his pocket and said,
"Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and
smiled. When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled
and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at
me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked
at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me...She
just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in
marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her
to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized she was a Retard.

Down at the Bowery a wino told his drinking buddy, "I'll never forget the
first time I turned to drink as a substitute for women.
"Yeah ? What happened?" his friend inquired.
"I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle." the wino answered.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
When I looked at the tire....
I noticed your CAT... Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead ...
It was once so alive....
Do you regret installing Win 95?

You totaled your car,
and can't remember why.
Could it have been...
that Case of Bud Dry?

A worried voice on the doctor's telephone declared, "A mouse ran up my wife's
honeypot!" The doctor replied, "I'll be over in ten minutes. In the
meantime, try waving a piece of cheese between her legs." When the doctor
arrived at the house, he was welcomed by the couple's young son , who showed
him upstairs to the bedroom. There on the bed sat a frantic woman, legs
spread wide, while her husband waved an open can of tuna over the opening.
The doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese!" The man retorted, "I know
that, you fool... but I've got to get the cat out first!"

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become
Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good but
one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life
had really died out since she and her husband had come to the
nursing home.
The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"I put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees
me like that he gets so excited! We have wild sex all night!"

"Is that right?" said Ethel. "Well, then, I'm going to try that tonight!"

That evening, while Ethel's husband is in the bathroom getting
ready for bed, she takes off all her clothes. And although it's a
struggle, she manages to get one leg up and behind her head.
With some effort, she finally gets the other leg behind her head as
well.

No sooner has she accomplished this great feat,
Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.
With a shocked look on his face, he yells:
"For God's sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in,
you look like an asshole!"

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms
when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the
chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the
same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get useed to it, the same way I did.

'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls... Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats... with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile.. their moms think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
I'll laze in the sun-into bed I'll get tucked
And those snotty nosed brats-can go and get fucked.

This next one is from Iain
www.btinternet.com/~iainp

An old Jewish fellow wins 1.5 million in the local lottery.
He's being interviewed on TV when asked what he plans to
do with the money.
"Well," he says "half a million I'm going to give to my
synagogue as it needs some work."
The interviewer asks "What about the rest?"
The old Jew says "another half million I'm going to give to
a local Jewish Summer Camp so the kids can have a nice place
to stay in the summer."
The interviewer says "Great! What about the rest?"
"Oh, I'm giving that to the Nazi Party."
"WHAT?! Why would a Jew give money to the Nazi Party?"
The old Jew rolls up his sleeve , points to a tattoo and says "They're
the ones that gave me my lucky numbers!"

A bloke came home to his missus and said to her: "Guess what? I've
found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends
and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!"
"That's great," his wife said.
"Yeah, fuckin' unreal," he agreed. "You start Monday."

After two days in the desert Abdul's camel was about to collapse. "Sadam,"
Abdul ordered, "Bring her over here by the watering hole." Sadam brought
the camel to the water, but it wouldn't drink the water. Knowing that the
camel would die if it didn't drink, Abdul came up with an idea. "We'll
have to force the camel to drink," Abdul explained, "Sadam, when I hold
the camels head under water, you start sucking through its asshole, and
it will be forced to drink." Knowing that they would die if the camel died
Sadam proceeded to the back of the camel. As Abdul stuck the camel's head
under the water, Sadam began sucking on the camel's ass. After a couple
minutes of sucking the camel's ass Sadam yelled to Abdul, "Lift her head
a little bit, she's sucking mud."

1. Bitch

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no"
then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing
and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect
him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare
for the evening.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant
terms so you can have something to be pissed about when
your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You
say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit
my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean
"It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this
weekend whether or not it is possible!"

6. Whine

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from
your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is
trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well
as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar he likes.

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when
paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc.
these are required gifts proving his love.

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about
your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your
life (also, see number 7).

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at
your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of
friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as
possible.

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing
anything other than catering to your needs.

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is
given.

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of
friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at
every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber
with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"
The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you
say!"
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife
and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's
head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets
excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the
floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold
the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"

There's this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and
screams: "I want a woman, I wanna fuck!"
"Welcome" - says the owner - we have Rosy the Red who fucks like
three witches for only $30.
She's wonderful - says the cowboy - but I don't have so much
No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your
underwear!
She's pretty, but I don't have so much
No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her
hand 'til morning!
She's nice, but I don't' have...
How much the fuck you have?
Er...a quarter!
All right: room 22, upstairs.
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the
bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he
jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes
downstairs and asks the owner:
I...I think I've got a problem.
What about?
Well, you know the young lady in room 22...I was having fun on her,
and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass...
Oh, shit! John - screams the owner to his butler - go change the
corpse in room 22: it's full again!!

Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to
seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies
mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which
mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German
baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery
and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised
his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped to attention,
the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it.

10. You can still commit suicide when you're drunk off your ass.
9. You don't have to worry about 'safe suicide.'
8. Nobody wakes you up to ask for more.
7. No limit to the number of techniques.
6. Nobody ever asks for a long-term suicide commitment.
5. Who cares if you get a disease?
4. Doing it by yourself is just as good!
3. Easier than finding a date on a Saturday night.
2. Nobody ever complains about 'bad suicide.'
And the top reason...

1. YOU don't have to clean up the mess!

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down
the alley that had the bulls.
They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50
times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated
65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65
times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from
this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year.
That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365
times with the same cow."

A guy is driving along the highway when he comes across a
bad accident scene. He jumps out and runs over to see if
he can be of any assistance. There is a badly injured man
lying on the road bleeding to death and the paramedics are
giving it all they've got - mouth to mouth, pumping the
heart etc. but no luck. Suddenly another car screeches up
to the accident scene and a woman jumps out and runs over
to the dying man. "Let me see if I can help" she says and
proceeds to sit on his face. Seconds later there are signs
of recovery and the man begins to regain consciousness.
"How did you do that???" exclaim the paramedics.

"Easy" she says "he didn't need mouth to mouth, he needed a
blood transfusion"

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

That’s all for this archive,
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