Aussie Jed's
Joke Archive 17

These are all from previous mailings of my
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

Why do men like women in leather?
-Because they smell like new cars.

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want for your birthday?"
Smitty says, "I want to get laid."
So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks,
and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore. After a few
minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs
upstairs and in to the room. There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot
and yanking out her colorful feathers.
Harry says, "Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"
Says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude."

Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
-Because you've got all day to find something better!

A Big City Woman married herself a southern Hick and brought him to the
big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel
room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and
saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it out
to her new husband. As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked
at her and asked "What is it?" "Why, it's a disgusting Used Sheepskin
Condom!" She replied "Don't they use them down in the South?" "Yeah," he
said "but we don't skin 'em first!"

What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
-She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or
so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide
to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.
Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the
stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed
to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says
to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys,
and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around
and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your
chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and
backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins
to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly shit!"
she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed,
the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream.
"Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed
in, it was only your reflection."

Why is having a good shit better than sex?
-Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards!

Sally Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
"Put your dick in my mouth.
Move it north, move it south
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
and more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny
with fresh clover honey,
and butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
and laces and leathers,
and wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in some goats and a sheik.
Then give my big titties a tweak
and now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
of high grade Vaseline,
and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"

"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a drummin',
that's when I'll start in a hummin',
then quickly, my dear,
put it into my ear,
so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"

What is the best thing for a woman who has everything?
-A man to show her how to work it.

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down.

A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the
area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the
tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were
shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate
their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did
you.. you know...eat their...'things'??"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

What defines a truly sensitive, 90's type guy?
-He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." Claude says,
"Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." The
teacher says, "Very good, Claude." Mary says, "The sky is very dark...
perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." She calls
on Dirty Johnny in the back. "John?" Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got
home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants
down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."

What photo do Ugly girls carry in their lockets?
-A photo of a candle.

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is
immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at
the Pearly Gates, and says, "Hello, Father, we've been
waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven!"

"You are very well known here, and as a special reward,
because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we're going
to grant you anything you wish even before we enter Heaven.
What can I grant you?"

"Well," the priest says, "I've always been a great admirer
of the Virgin Mother. I've always wanted to talk to her."

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold
who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say,
"Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours,
and have studied everything I could about you and
followed your life as best I could. I have studied every
painting and portrait ever made of you, and I've noticed
that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look
on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was
that made you sad. Would you please tell me?"

"Honestly?" with a little pained grimace on her face.
"Well, I was really hoping for a girl."

What does the blinking neon sign above Frank's 24-Hour
Abortion Clinic say?
"You Rape 'Em, We Scrape 'Em - No Foetus Can Beat Us!"

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She
was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the
end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this
was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor.
"Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over
the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer
gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and
find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish
fly powder in her drink. She finished the drink, and a few minutes later
got up and sidled over to the man. She put her arm around his shoulder,
put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg.
"You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"

How are women like babies?
-When they both start to cry they're usually full of shit.

A young girl sat on Santa's knee. He said, "What would you like for
Christmas, little girl?"

"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.

"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa....

What do women and prawns have in common?
-There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

A Kiwi, a Yank, and an Aussie were shiting to each other one day.
The kiwi turns to the other and says, "The Sheep in NZ are so big
that they take a whole day to be shorn". The others shake their heads
in disbelief until the Yank turns around and says, "Well that's nothing!
Back in Texas the cattle are so big it takes a forklift to turn the
steaks over on the barby". The other two laugh until the Aussie turns
around and says, "Well in Australia the women have pussys this big
(making a hand gesture that even a fisherman would be proud of; eg hands
approx. 2ft apart)", the other two turn around and laugh and say, "Well
how do you fuck them?" with which the Aussie replies, "They Stretch!"

Q. What's the best thing that ever to come out of auschwitz?
A. An Empty Bus!

It's during the time of Christ and some Hebrews are bored.
"Lets go find a whore and stone her " one says. They all go
to a brothel and find a ragged old whore.
They drag her out and are getting ready to stone her when
Jesus comes out of his carpenters tent and says " He who is
without sin cast the first stone." All the Hebrews get discouraged
and go home. As they are leaving, an old lady picks up a huge
rock, throws it with all her might, hitting the whore, breaking
her nose.
Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says with shock and dismay,
"MOM!!!"

How do you tell if you've had a really good night of oral sex?
-You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out
of your mouth.

The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three
little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in
their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing
lots of make-up. The lunch crowd hadn't started to arrive yet so
he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they
were up to. He seated them at a table and asked what they would
like to order. The first little girl ordered a martini, the second
one asked for a margarita and the third one said, "I'd like to have
a douche... my mother says they're very refreshing."

How can you tell if a pussy really stinks?
-A fly lands on it and throws up.

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the
counsellor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a
cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great
cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair.
She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never
objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night,
when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and
whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"

When are men at their smartest?
-It's during sex.... because they are plugged into an
goddamn "know it all".

A young boy goes into a brothel, pulling along behind him a dead frog on
a piece of string. He goes up to the desk and says "I want to sleep with
one of your prostitutes".

The madam replies "I'm sorry son, you're far too young. Come back when
you're older". At this the young boy slams fifty pounds down on the
counter, and the madam says "OK son. I'll see what I can do!"

"Just one thing." says the boy "She's got to have syphilis".

"I'm sorry," replies the madam "but all my girls are clean!" At this the
boy slams another fifty pounds on the counter, to which the madam says
"I'll see what I can do!"

So she takes the boy (who is still pulling along the dead frog on the
end of a piece of string) to the syphilis-ridden whore, and he proceeds
to shag her.

After he's finished, he walks out of the room, still pulling the frog on
the piece of string, with a big smile on his face. As he walks past the
madam, she says "Just one thing, son. Why did the prostitute have to
have syphilis?"

The boy replies "Well. When I get home I'll screw the babysitter, and
she'll catch it. Then when my dad takes her home later he'll shag her
and he'll catch it. Then when he gets back home, he'll shag my mum and
she'll catch it. Then when my dad goes to work tomorrow, my mum will
shag the milkman and he'll catch it, and he's the bastard that killed my
frog!!!"

What's the definition of sick?
-Sticking a prune up your Grandma's cunt, and sucking TWO out!!!

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out
on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

What did the turd say to the arsehole?
-I don't ever wanna go through THAT again.

Dirty Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess. He goes up
to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in your pants
right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

How can you tell if the kid who stole your bike is half
black an half Polish?
-He's running down the street with the bike under his arm.

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or
playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to
relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip
club (work with me here).
The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you
tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No,
no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice
to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger
and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the
passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets
Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a
bitch tonight, Roger!"

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