Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 4

1.
There was an Aussie, an Italian, and an Irishman who all wanted to go
hunting. The Aussie guy came back with a big huge bear. Everyone
asked how he caught it. He said "I followed the tracks, followed the
tracks, followed the tracks, BOOM!, I killed the bear" The Italian comes
back with a huge lion. He said "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks,
followed the tracks, BOOM!, I killed the lion" The Irishman comes back
with a broken arm, sitting in a wheelchair with scratches all over and says,
"I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, BOOM!,
I got hit by a train!"

2.
An old blind man was standing on the corner when his dog
cocked its leg and pissed all over the bloke's trousers.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit.
"You shouldn't reward him for doing something like that," said
a passerby. "He'll never learn."
"I'm not rewarding him," replied the blind bloke. "I'm just trying
to find his mouth so I can kick his arse!"

3.
A priest walking through a park notices little Johnny, who is pouring fluid on an
assortment of small rodents, then striking a match and watching them burn.
"What are you pouring on those mice, my son?" The priest asks little Johnny
"It's a mixture of acid and petrol." Little Johnny says with a smile.
"I think you would be better using a few drops of holy water, then let them
run away." The priest says, hoping to stop little Johnny's morbid hobby.
"Oh yea what does it do?" Little Johnny says looking the priest in the eyes.
"Well, I placed a couple of drops on a lady with a large tummy and she
passed a baby. The priest replies with all sincerity.
"Big fuckin' deal," say's little Johnny with a sneer, "I put 2 drops of my
stuff on a rats arse and it passed a fucking Motor Bike."

4.
God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there
5,000 years ago and froze my arse off". A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and
they're still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"

5.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."

6.
An Abo was walking through Kings Cross when a prostitute came
up to him and asks "Do you want a headjob?"
The Abo looks at the whore with a sneer and says:
"No buckin' way you whitey cunt, I don't want no buckin' job!"

7.
A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years
of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into
a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home,
tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to
go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath,
looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to
your fuckin' underwear."

8.
After a long day of rioting and looting, this nigger is walking along a
beach when he looks down a sees an antique lamp. Thinking that he'll
get enough money for another vial of crack, he takes the bottle home and
starts to clean it.
He starts rubbing the lamp, when all of a sudden a Jewish genie appears, and
being a Jewish genie, he say's to the nigger that he have two wishes.
The nigger thinks for a couple of seconds, and quickly says:, "I want to be
white and surrounded by cunt."
In an instant the nigger is turned into a tampon.
Now the morale of this story is:
Don't ever expect anything from a Jew without strings attached.

9.
One day a homo dentist goes to another homo dentist to get some
dental work.
The tooth fairy says to the other one sitting in the chair: "You know, you
have the whitest teeth I've ever come across."

~~~~~~~~~~
10.
Four union men were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first
was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union, who said his dog could
do geometry.
His dog was named "Tee Square", and he told him to go to the blackboard,
and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with ease.
The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog
was much better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a
dozen biscuits, and divide them into four even piles, which Slide Rule did
without problem.
The Liquor Trade member admitted that both were quite good, but he felt
that his dog could outperform them. His dog was named "Measure", and he
was told to go and get a stubby of beer, and pour seven ounces into a ten
ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.
They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member, and said "What can
your mongrel do?" The Waterside Worker called his dog, which was named
"Tea Break" and said to him "Show these bastards what you can do mate.
"Tea Break went over and ate the biscuits, drank the beer, pissed on the
blackboard, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back, and
filed a worker's compensation form, then shot through on sick leave.

Submitted by:
Shaun McGregor
Sydney
~~~~~~~~~~

11.
A black guy was driving a Mercedes, when suddenly one tyres went flat.
While he was changing his flat tyre another Negro came up behind him
and smashed the front window saying: "'right brotha, you take dem tires,
I'll take the stereo!"

12.
Mick was sitting at the pub telling his mate Harry about a disturbing thing that
happened the night before.
"Last night I came home from the pub pissed as a tick, so I hopped into bed and
started feeling up me missus. After a few strokes of her firm arse she got aroused
and then we fucked like bunnies for about two hours.
Like I do every time after a fuck, I leaned over and turned on the light, lit up two
cigarettes and went to pass one to the trouble 'n' strife. Rubbing me weary eyes I
realized that I'd accidentally walked into my eight year olds daughter's room by,
and worse still she was on the swimming team and didn't smoke.

13.
A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he
ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple
of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.
"Whose dog is tied up out front?"
The drunk responds, "That's my dog. Is there a problem officer?"
"Well she's in heat," says the cop."
"Oh, she'll be all right. It's shady out there."
"That's not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred."
"I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She's fine."
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. "Listen buddy! You don't
seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate."
"Oh, go right ahead officer, I've always wanted a police dog."

14.
A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and
the girl mumbled: "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix"
The man answers, astonished: "Good heavens! But, how old are
you, little girl?"
"I'm four, sir."
"Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?"
"Since I was two, sir, when I was raped."
"RAPED?! And Who raped you, little girl?"
"I don't remember, I was too pissed."

15.
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know
where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere."
He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the
night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

16.
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on and read a book. As he
was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your
gear off?".
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay for something a bit heavier"
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?".
"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book!."

17.
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were
a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the
Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my
adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the
amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

18.
An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world
go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire!
I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it."
The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid
went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all
bound up in chicken wire.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying several rolls of tape.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape.
I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it."
The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with
duck tape?"
The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned
walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with
that stick?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow."
The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."

19.
A pillow biter goes into a doctor's surgery convinced that he is pregnant.
"How could you possibly be pregnant?" asks the doctor, "Who is the father?"
"What do you think I have," The queer says in a high pitched squeal, "eyes in the
back of my head?"

20.
A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here",
said the one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over
the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't
have any dirt on you".

21.
Three expectant fathers, an Aussie guy, an Aboriginal guy, and a Frenchman,
were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he
has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are
the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The Aussie goes right to the
black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him, and with tears of love streaming
from his eyes and says "He's so beautiful".
"What are you doing?" the Aboriginal guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I know… I know," said the Aussie with his tears growing to a flood.
"but I didn't want to accidentally get stuck with the French kid."

22.
As the sun rose over the barracks, the senior drill instructor realized
that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched
immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some
bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill
instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you
go AWOL?"
The recruit replied, "My first day here, you issued me a comb, and then you
proceeded to cut all my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush
and sent me to the dentist -- who proceeded to pull out all my teeth. The
third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around
and find out what would follow that, SIR."

23.
Two drug dealers are arrested and appear before a judge for trial. Both
men are convicted, but the judge agrees to suspend their sentences if, as
a community service,
they speak to youngsters and successfully steer them away from drugs.
They accept and report back to the judge one week later.
The judge asks the first man, "How successful were you getting kids off
of drugs?"
He replies, "I did very well. I stopped 36 kids from doing drugs."
"That's great," replied the judge, "How did you do that?"
The man says, "Well first I drew two circles like this." "And then,"
he continued, "I pointed to the big one and said, 'This is your brain
before drugs." "And then I pointed to the small one and said, 'And this is
your brain after drugs."
"Well," says the judge, "its simple yet effective." He asks the second man
how he did. The second man responds, drew two circles just like he did,
but I got 100 kids off drugs." "Wow, that's amazing. What did you say that
worked so well?"
"First I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before jail!"

24.
A cowboy is riding through the west when he comes upon a naked man
staked out on the ground.
"You've got to help me! I was ambushed by Indians! They carried off my
family and left me here to die!"
"Well," said the cowboy as he pulled the man's boots off and took his wallet,
"this sure isn't your lucky day."

25.
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender,
"I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all
her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to
the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat.
The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives
me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here,
she's with a black guy."

26.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets
the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and
asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

27.
An Abo was waiting for a bus at Redfern when a big Rottweiller walked up to
him on his left and dropped a big turd on the ground next to the Abo.
A couple of minutes later a german shepherd came up to him on his right and he
also dropped a big mean looking turd.
A few minutes later the bus pulled up and the driver opened the door.
"How much to Circular Quay?" the Abo asked.
The driver replied "That'll be $2 for you and 50c each for your two kids."

28.
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African,
an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers,
a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

29.
This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romantic
walk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his
lustful desires rise to a fever pitch.
He is just about to hard word on her when she says, "I hope you don't
mind but I'm busting to have a piss".
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why
don't you go behind these bushes".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.
As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches through
a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his
hand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,
thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror "My God, don't tell me your really a bloke!".
"No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

30.
A poof finally decided he could no longer hide his sexuality
from his parents, he went over to their house and found his mother in
the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said,
"Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the poof was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away
from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't
that mean that men put their penises into your anus?",
"Yes mom they do."
And you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The faggot said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
and whacked him over the head with a frypan and said, "Don't you dare
complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!

31.
A MAN and wife are driving down the road speeding when a cop pulls them over.
The cop asks "did you know you were speeding?" The man replies "I was really?
I never speed I can't believe it". The wife interrupts and says "don't listen to him
he always speeds". The man looks to the wife and says will you shut up. The cop
asks for the man's license and the man replies "oh my, you're not going to believe
this but I forgot my license. I never leave home without it usually" The wife interrupts
and says "don't listen to him he never takes his license with him. He doesn't think he'll
ever get caught" the husband turns to the wife and says "will you shut the up!" At this
point the cop goes around to the wife’s side of the car and asks "madam, does your
husband always talk to you like this?" She replies "Oh no, only when he's drunk".

32.
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot four
and built like a brick shithouse. He has a huge red beard and despite
the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his
kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely
gorgeous, she's slim, shapely, with a fair complexion. A real heart stopper.
The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the
highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road.
Right, yew" he shouts, "I want yew to masturbate",
"but…," stammers the driver,
"Now..., or I'll bloody kill yew"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and
starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only
takes a few seconds.
"Right" says the highlander "Do it again!"
"but…," says the driver.
"Now!" yelled the irate highlander.
So the driver does it again.
"Right, do it again!" demands the highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both
arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, he
collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk.
"Do it again!" says the highlander.
"I just can't anymore, you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man.
The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside.
"Aie right laddie" he says, "Now yew can gimme daughter a lift to Inverness".

33.
A middle aged woman went to the gynecologist and was told she was
in perfect health and had the vagina of a 20 year old. She was so excited,
she ran home to tell her husband.
"What about your fifty year old arsehole?" he asked
"He didn't say anything about you, dear." she replied.

34.
A black man from New York decided one day he wanted to be a Texas Ranger.
So he went through all the necessary training and became a Ranger.
One day on his shift he was driving around and hit a raccoon. He thought he had
hit some sort of exotic animal, and returned to the station upset. He described the
animal to his fellows who burst into spontaneous laughter.
"What kind of animal is it?" asked the black Ranger.
"We'll give you a guess: It's something you've been called all your life."
The black Ranger's eyes grew wide. "You mean, that is a black motherfucker?!"

35.
Three mates are traveling and need a place to sleep. They stop at a farm
and ask the owner if they can spend the night. The farmers says okay, but
one has to sleep with the pigs, one has to sleep with the cows and the other
has to sleep in a room with his 18 daughters.
The next morning...
The first mate says- "I feel like a pig, I slept with pigs all night"
The second mate says- "I feel like a cow, I slept with cows all night"
The third mate says- "I feel like a golf course. I've been in and out of 18 holes all night"

36.
A married guy is hanging his head.
His wife Says, "Honey, how come you are hanging your head, after all,
it's our 15th wedding anniversary.
Husband Says well honey, I was just thinking back 15 years ago when I
committed that crime, and your father the judge said, "Son, you can spend
15 years at hard labour or marry my daughter". And you know honey, I was
just thinking: I'd be out today"

37.
A young kid was walking down the road with his father when they
saw a dead sparrow lying upside down on the pavement.
"Daddy, why is the bird lying there?"
"Because it's dead, son" answered the father.
"Why is it lying with its feet in the air?"
Dad was a bit stumped. "That is so Jesus can come down, pick it
up and carry it to heaven."
They walked along a bit, then the boy said "Mummy nearly died
yesterday." "What do you mean?" asked the father.
"Well, when I got home from school yesterday, she was lying on
the bed with her legs in the air, and she was shouting `Jesus, I'm coming!'.
If the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her we'd have lost her for sure!"

38.
A publican is shutting up for the night when there is a
knock at the door. When he answers, a dero asks him for a
tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the dero goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers,
there is a second dero who also asks for a toothpick. He gets
his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third dero. The
publican says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too".
"No, a straw". The publican gives him a straw but is curious why
he wants it, so he asks the dero why he wants a straw and not a
toothpick. "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good
stuff's gone already."

39.
The horny midget found that the best way to score with women was
to be direct about it. So he went up to this tall blond woman
and said, "Hey, honey, what do you say to a little fuck?"
She looked down at him and smiled, and replied "Hello, you little fuck!"

40.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and
waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said.
"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive,
and eat your mother".

41.
Two mates were having a beer and talking about Freudian slips.
The first said "Well. I went the other day to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh
and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the biggest, most
magnificent pair of breasts I'd ever seen. I was overcome. I went up to
her to buy my ticket and instead of saying 'Excuse me, can I have a ticket
to Pittsburgh?' I said 'Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' I was
so embarrassed I didn't know what to do."
"I know what you mean," said the other guy. "Yesterday I was having
breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to say to her 'Could you please
pass the butter.' But it came out as 'You bitch! You've ruined my fucking life!'"

42.
There was an Indian, a Cowboy, and a nigger sitting around a
campfire, sharing a bottle of whisky. The Indian stands up to propose
a toast. He says "Once we were many, now we are few." So the
nigger stands up and says "Once we was few now we be many."
So then the cowboy gets up and says "Yeah, but we haven't played
cowboys and niggers yet!"

43.
It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall
in his big red suit and white beard. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.
As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on
Santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for
Christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the
little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.
The little boy responds, "Nope". So Santa again says "Then I bet you want
a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his
finger. The little boy again said, "Nope". Well Santa's starting to get a little
pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to
the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once
again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter
of the word. Where the little boy responds, "Nope". Well at this time Santa's
really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, "Then what the fuck do you want
for Christmas?" The little boy then looked at Santa and said, "I want some pussy,
P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can
smell it on your finger!"

44.
A bloke was driving across the outback of Australia in his ute and
he came across an Aborigine sitting at the side of the road drinking from
a flagon, so he decided he should have some fun so he ran the Abo over.
A few minutes later he came across another Abo and he decided to splatter
this one across the dusty outback road as well, which he did.
Later, he came across a third Abo walking along the side of the road. Once
again, he ran the black bastard down.
Sometime later on he saw a Catholic priest hitch hiking. Due to the remoteness
of the area, the man decided to give the priest a lift.
He eventually came across another Abo and attempted to run it over, too,
when he remembered the priest was sitting next to him the man thought to
himself "I can't hit the Abo with this priest here!" and he swerved just in time
to miss the Abo.
"I'm terribly sorry, Father." said the man. "I don't know what came over me."
"Don't worry, my son," said the priest, "I got the black bastard with the door."

45.
A man called into work sick.
"I can't come into today. I'm really, really sick. I've been in bed all day."
He says to his boss
"What! Are you totally crazy? This is the day we are meeting with
our most important account!" Yells the angered boss into the receiver.
"Sorry boss, I'm Really sick!." The guy says to his boss
"Just how sick can one man be, when the future with this company is on the line?"
asks the furious boss.
"Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter!"

~~~~~~~~~~
46.
A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.
Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the
first stone."
From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the
head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction
and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

Submitted by Paul L:
Melbourne
~~~~~~~~~~

47.
It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what
they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies,
"Man, I scored big time! I got Power Rangers stuff, a Nintendo, a new bike,
a Walkie - Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?"
"Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's
pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not
dying of cancer."

48.
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation on the Gold Coast.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them
to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain
physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression
is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "One,
Two, Three...Hup!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get
an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.
"I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!"

49.
A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Frog: It started with a bump on my arse?

50.
Two deros were walking along a railway line near Granville
The first dero stopped and said, "This is my favourite bit of line just here."
"Why?" asked the second dero.
"Well," said the first dero, "two years ago I found a slab of
beer just here and spent the whole afternoon pissed out of my mind."
They carried on walking for a few miles. Suddenly, the second dero
stopped and said,
"Now this is my favourite bit of line."
"Why is that?" asked the first dero.
"Well, twenty years ago I found a girl lying on the tracks. I undressed her,
took her into the bushes just over there and spent all that afternoon
fucking her!"
"Bloody hell!" said the first dero. "Did she give you a blowjob?"
"Naw," said the second dero. "I couldn't find her head."

51.
There were three Irishmen who were "shooting up" on a drug, using a needle.
The first one passed his needle onto the second one, but he was smart and
thought "Au no, I'm not goin' take your needle 'cause I might catch AIDS";
and so, the needle was passed onto the third one, and the second one asks
"You sure you want take this 'ere needle?". "Au, it's alright," says the third
Irishman "I'm safe 'cause I'm wearing a condom."

52.
A kid on a skateboard is being pulled down the sidewalk by his dog,
which he's holding onto by the tail. A woman stops him saying,
"Sonny, couldn't you hold onto him some other way"?
"Yeah, I could," says the kid. "I could grab him by the balls, but I save
that for passing gear!"

53.
A pedophile is taking a six year old into the woods at night.
She starts to cry, "I'm scared!"
"How do you think I feel" the Pedophile replied, "I have to walk
out of these woods alone."

54.
Three guys are sitting in the pub with hangovers from the night before.
The first guy says "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning with
my pajamas on over my clothes !"
The second guy says "That's nothing, I was so drunk I had sex with a woman
who I don't even know and my wife walked in I didn't even care!"
The third guy says, "You think that's bad, I was blowing chunks all night!"
"That's not so bad," said the other two.
"No, no, you don't understand " said the third guy, "'Chunks' is the name of my dog!"

55.
There's this Black man and a Jew waiting at a bus stop
The black man says to the Jew,
"Excuse me, what time is the bus due?"
The JEW replies, "Fuck off nigger!"

56.
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes
on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "
What's that mum ? " His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she
came up with the following, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!" and
little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"

57.
A lady with a duck under her arm gets on a train and takes a seat.
The guy sitting opposite her speaks up and says "That is the ugliest pig
I have ever seen". The lady replies "This is not a pig, it's a duck."
The guy then says, "Shut up you stupid bitch, I was talking to the duck."

58.
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks
of rigorous training the young recruit got to jump out of his first plane.
The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump
he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man,
"IF YOU DON'T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'M GOING TO STICK
MY COCK UP YOUR ARSE!"
A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what
happened, and his father asked, "did you jump, son?"
The boy said, "A little at first!"

59.
A priest and a rabbi are walking along a sidewalk when a young boy
in short pants crosses their path. The priest says " I'm gonna fuck him!"
The rabbi looks at the boy and then looks at the priest and
asks, "out of what?"

~~~~~~~~~~
60
Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is
hell, I really want to see heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but
not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall
screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by
demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he
screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited
two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

Submitted by:
Tony Freeman
NY NY USA
~~~~~~~~~~

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