Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 5
1.
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the
Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under
the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then, later on in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear
pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour
bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate
Aborigine.
"Hey Jacky Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are
you listening for?"
The Jacky Jacky replied, "Down the road about 20 miles is a 1972 Holden ute.
It's blue. The Right front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has
dents in every panel. There are twelve black fellows in the back, all drinking
brown dog. (brown Muscat) There are three kangaroos on the roof rack and
five dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists rushed forward, astonished by this precise and detailed
knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that? Asked one.
Then Jacky Jacky replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about twenty
minutes ago."
2.
Two mates are drinking at the pub. "Geez, there are some spastics
on the road tonight" said the first. "Yeah, I know", replied the second,
"I've ran over 6 already tonight."
3.
A couple had been married a week, and one morning after they were lying
idly in bed after doing the deed.
"Darling," she cooed, toying with his limp todger, "didn't you say you were
the only man with one of these?"
"That's right, love."
"No, you've been telling fibs. Your brother has one too."
"Oh," stammered the bloke. "That was my spare one. I gave it to him."
"Silly man," she said. "You gave the best one away!"
4.
The bloke asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick
up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.
5.
She said "Give me eight inches and make me bleed!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and punched her in the nose.
She said, "Give me eight inches and make me moan!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and kicked her in the guts.
She said, "Give me eight inches and make my head explode!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and blew her fucking
head off with my shotgun!
She didn't ask me for sex after that, but it's allot better, thanks.
6.
There's this guy driving his BMW along a highway when he is passed by a
kid on a motorised skateboard doing more than 140km/h. Try as he might,
the bloke in the BMW can't catch the kid.
A little while later, the driver enters the next town and sees the motorised
skateboard outside a milkbar.
The board is hissing steam and crackling as it cools down. The BMW driver
goes in and approaches the kid.
He says: "You don't know me but I was driving the BMW you passed out on
the road. That's a powerful motor on your skateboard… where did you get it from?"
The kid says: "From my Dad's iron lung."
"What did he say when you took the motor?" the bloke asked.
"Ggggrrrgle grrrreeeee uuuuurrrrrrrr" the kid replied.
7.
Bob was siting in the bar with his mate Pete talking about politics.
Pete turned to Bob and said, "Do you reckon we should let the blacks vote?"
Bob slowly turned his head towards Pete and slowly said "Only if they live to 18."
8.
Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and one
mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago.
"Was it a success?" asks the other.
"Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis, and if his arsehole
holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."
9.
In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,
I'm a lesbian."
"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."
10.
A young black kid observed that there seemed to be some advantages
in being white, so he went off and painted himself white all over. He went
and showed his mother who roused on him, and told him to go and show
his father. This he did, and his father not only roared at him for being so silly,
but cuffed him over the ears and sent him on his way. The boy went on and
sat on his favorite log pondering his position and feeling very glum. His mate
came along and asked him what was wrong.
"I've only been a white kid for half and hour," he replied, "and I hate those
black bastards already!"
11.
Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework. One day Bruce comes
home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge. "What are you doing Cyril?"
he asks, to which the Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something
nice and cool to slip into when you came home."
12.
There were four men travelling on a train. An Australian, a Cuban, a Scot, and
a Vietnamese. They're travelling along on the train and the Cuban opens up his
brief case. In his brief case he has hundreds of Cuban cigars. He pulls out one,
lights it, and has two of three puffs and chucks it out the window.
The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia they cost 25 bucks each".
The Cuban replies "Where I come from, we have millions of them."
Later, the Scot opens up his trunk, and pulls out one of the many bottles of fine
scotch whiskey in there. He opens it, and takes a few swigs and chucks the bottle
out of the window.
The Aussie sings out "What are you doing, in Australia that cost $30 a bottle."
The Scot turns around and says, 'Where I come from, we have millions of bottles
of the stuff'.
The Australian sits there for a few moments, picks up the Vietnamese and chucks
him out of the window.
The Scot and the Cuban say "What did you do that for?".
The Aussie replied "Where I come from we've got millions of them!"
13.
Two perfect strangers were talking to each other in the pub. One of them
said, "If you were to wake up in the woods with vaseline smeared all over
your arse, would you tell anyone?" The other one said, "Of course not!"
The first bloke said, "Oh, then would you like to go camping?"
14.
There was a farmer and his son who ran the farm all by themselves. One day
when the son was out plowing the field, a terrible accident happened and he
lost his eye. The old farmer was too poor to buy his son a glass eye, so he
made one out of finely polished oak wood, and hand painted it.
It was many years before the son was exposed to public, and the local farmers
were holding a square dance for their sons and daughters. That night the boy
got all duded up and headed off to the dance, where he spent a boring evening
in a corner.
Suddenly, he spotted a girl in another corner who had a hair lip. He thought to
himself, "Now that's a girl that would understand me!", so he proceeded to walk
over to the girl.
"Would you like to dance?" he asked.
The girl then replied, "Would I!"
The boy shouted, "Hey, I didn't call you cunt face did I?"
15.
Two mates were sitting in a pub discussing how they gave up smoking.
"Whenever I got the urge", said one, "I used to suck on a lifesaver."
"That's alright for you", said his mate, "you live right next to the beach."
16.
These poofs were sitting in a spa, and generally enjoying the spa bubbles, when
a great stinking wad of semen rises to the surface. The first poof looks straight
at the second one and said "DID YOU?", to which the other replied "No" and
so he looked at the third one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other replied.
"No" so he looked at the fourth one and said "DID YOU?" to which the other
replied "No".
The first one looked at the other three once more and yelled "OK! Who the
fuck Farted?"
17.
Two blokes were commenting on a piece of arse that passed them by.
One says, "Shit she's got long legs!"
The other replies, Yep, they go all the way up to the arse and make
a cunt of themselves!"
18.
Two wildlife smugglers were trying to get a skunk through customs.
The husband tells his wife that she should put the skunk under her panties,
to which she objects saying, "What about the smell?" and he says, "Well, if it
dies, it dies."
19.
Snow White and the seven dwarves were returning home to their cottage one
night after a day down the mine when Dopey walked up to Snow White and
asked her, "Are there any midget Nuns in this forest?"
Amidst much giggling from the other dwarves, Snow White replied, "No, Dopey.
There are no midget Nuns in this forest."
A bit further down the track, Dopey asks with a hint more desperation in his voice
"Are there any midget Nuns in this country?" Again, Snow White replied to the
negative amidst much laughter emanating from the direction of the other dwarves.
Almost back to the cottage, Dopey is starting to look really upset, so he strides
up to Snow White and demands "Are there any midget Nuns on the whole planet?"
Before Snow White could reply, the other dwarves broke down completely and
started chanting, "Dopey Fucked A Penguin, Dopey Fucked A Penguin"
20.
"Dad, I think the vicar is a homosexual."
"What makes you think that son?"
"Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him."
21.
A Whinging English tourist was sitting in an outback pub.
"I sure don't like all these flies you have here." The pom moaned.
The fed-up jackaroo standing next to him at the bar responded.
"Well, you just pick out the one you like and I'll kill all the rest."
22.
Norm goes to a sheering shed for a few months work, and after two
weeks he starts feeling horny and goes up to the station master and
has a quiet word in his ear. "Listen mate, I'm feeling kinda horny, and
this being me first time at a sheering shed, I was wondering what a fella's
gotta do around here for a root?"
"Well," said the station master. "There's old Hung Chu the chinaman out
back. Every now and then the blokes fuck him when there ain't no skirt around."
Norm looked at the station master with shock. "No fuckin way, mate. I ain't
fuckin no god damn chinaman!" and Norm stormed off in a rage.
Two weeks later, Norms balls were on fire. His cock was red raw through
wanking, yet he was desperate for some human contact. Norm walked up to
the station master and said, "Listen mate, I'm desperate, I need a root so damn
bad. Is that chinaman still available?"
The station master tells Norm that the chinaman was still available and that he
would bring him around straight away.
Norm then said to the station master, "Could we keep this our little secret, I don't
really like the idea of fucking a chinaman, and the fewer people who know about
it the better."
The station master looked at Norm with those understanding eyes that come with
spending many years in the outback and said, "Sure, only the five of us will ever
know."
"What the fuck!" said Norm, "Five of us? 'What the hell do you mean the five of us?'"
"Well, there's you… me… the chinaman, and the two blokes that have gotta hold
him down, cause he don't like it either!"
23.
This bloke walks into an outback bar with a big crocodile and sets it on the bar.
He asks the barkeep for a beer, and opens the crocks mouth, sticks his cock in
its mouth and drinks his beer. The bartender is amazed. The bloke pulls his cock
out, and asks the bartender, "Do you want to try it?"
"No," says the bartender, "I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
24.
This bloke and his missus were travelling along in their car. Some time later a police
officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window
and says "Did you know you were speeding back there?"
The lady, who is almost deaf turns to her husband and says "What did he say, what
did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding."
The officer then said "Where do you come from?"
The man replied "Broken Hill"
The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."
The officer then said "Shit, I had my worst fuck ever in Broken Hill."
The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"
The man turns back and says, "He says he thinks he knows you."
25.
These blokes were driving along the street when this woman came screaming
around the corner in her car and nearly collided with them, she wound down
her window and yelled "Pigs!"
They all shouted at her "Bitch", then charged around the corner and ran into a pig.
26.
There was an Australian tourist in Germany, and he had his pet with him on
a leash. He decided to check out the German beer, so he went to this German
beer garden. While he was there he got talking to this Big muscled Aryan looking
bloke, who asked him "What kind of dog is that you've got?"
"Its a long nosed long tailed short legged Australian terrier" replied the Australian.
"I breed German Shepherds myself" said the German to which the Aussie replied,
"So What?"
"I'll bet one of my German shepherds could beat your long nosed, long tailed short
legged Australian Terrier any day!" said the German.
So they agreed to match the Germans best dog against the Aussies long nosed long
tailed short legged Australian Terrier. The German got his dog and it was HUGE!
It was the biggest German Shepherd this Aussie had ever seen! They started the
fight, and the German Shepherd got slaughtered!
Bits of German Shepherd went in all directions and its' tail landed in someone's
drink! All you could see of the German Shepherd at the end was a bloody bone!
The German asked the Aussie, "Vot kind of dog is that?"
The Aussie replied "In Australia we call them Crocodiles!"
27.
"Hey babe, you've got really small tits and a fantastically tight box."
"Get off me back!"
28.
Doris and Maude are sitting on a bench at a nursing home, when suddenly
a naked old man runs past. Doris says to Maude "Did you see what he was
wearing?" Maude replies "No, but it sure needed ironing!"
29.
George got up to join the parade at the fancy-dress ball wearing only his Y-fronts.
"What's this?" asked the MC, holding his notebook and pen. "You've got to
represent something."
George insisted that he did. "I represent premature ejaculation."
"How do you spell that?" the MC asked, about to note it down.
"Erm… dunno," George replied.
"Just say that I came in my undies."
30.
There was an old man who's health was failing so his family decided it
would be better to place the old guy into a home where they could visit
him each weekend.
After one week, the mans' son came to visit him and asked his dad, "What do
you think of the home?"
The old man replied, "Terrific son. The other day I woke up with a hard on and
a beautiful young nurse came into the room and gave me headjob."
The following week, the son visited his dad again and once again asked how his
dad was getting on.
"Terrible", replied the old man. "The other day, I fell down in the hallway and a big
black orderly fucked me up the arse. I want to go home son!"
"Well dad" , replied the son, "you always told me that you had to take the good
with the bad. One week you got a headjob, the next you got fucked. That ain't so
bad is it?"
"Ain't bad!?" exclaimed the old man, "I only have a hardon once a year, I fall over
10 times a day!"
31.
A woman went to her doctor complaining about being totally hairless.
The doctor quickly prescribes a comprehensive hormone treatment and
asks her to come back in three months.
When she returns, she was complaining that her entire body was now
covered in hair.
"You must have given me the wrong pills," she told the doctor.
"I now have hair on my feet, on my back and even on my chest!"
"How far down does the hair on your chest go?" the doctor asked.
"All the way down to my dick!" the woman replied.
32.
Two mates are at the pub talking about their wives, the first bloke say's:
"My wife's an angel."
The second bloke say's after a few seconds, "You lucky bastard, mine's still alive."
33.
A woman woke up one brutally hot Sunday and complained to her husband
"I can't stand wearing clothes on a day like this. What do you think the neighbors
would do if I worked in the garden in the nude?"
"They'd say." The husband replied with a smile, "That I married you for your money."
34.
The teacher asked little Johnny to tell to the class what he did over
the school holidays.
"I went down to the creek a few times" says Johnny to the class.
"What did you do down the creek?" queried the teacher.
"I caught frogs." answered Johnny.
"What did you do when you caught them?" asked the teacher intrigued.
"I shoved a double bunger up their arse and blew them up!" replied Johnny,
matter-of-factly.
"Johnny! Rectum… not arse!" said the teacher correcting Johnny on
his language.
"Wrecked 'em, Wrecked 'em! It blew their fucking guts everywhere and
it fuckin' well killed 'em!"
35.
Two men and a woman were shipwrecked and on a deserted island.
After a week the woman was so disgusted with what the men were
doing to her, she killed herself.
A week later, the two men were so disgusted with what they were doing,
they decided to bury her.
A week after that , the two men were so completely disgusted with what
they were doing, they dug her up again.
36.
An Abo was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.
"That's ridiculous!" the Abo shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,
you know."
"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."
37.
This bloke and his missus were fishing in a boat on Sydney
Harbour. There were sharks swimming all around the boat.
His ol' lady asked, "If I fell out'a the boat will a shark swallow
me whole?"
"Nah," The bloke snorted, "He'd spit that part out."
38.
A husband and wife moved from outback NSW into the big city because
they were finding it hard to make ends meet.
The husband told his missus that she would have to work as a prostitute to
supplement their income.
So he walked her down to the nearest corner and told her he'd wait a bit further
down the road, and that she should come and see him if she had any problems.
Only a few minutes later, she got her first customer.
"How much?" he asked.
"Er… wait just one sec!" she said, and ran down to her husband.
"How much should I charge this bloke?" she inquired.
"Charge him $100!" the hubby said.
Quickly, she ran back to the bloke standing on the corner and told him the price.
"But lady, I've only got $80 on me," the horny bloke frowned. "What can I get for
that amount?"
She thought for a moment and then took off back to her husband again.
"For $80, tell him he can only get a head job," the husband informed her.
So she ran back. "You can have a head job for $80," She told him.
Reluctantly, the customer agreed and undid his zipper. To her amazement, a
15-inch cock tumbled out.
"Wait one second," the wife said, and sprinted down to her husband.
"You wouldn't be able to lend this bloke $20, would you?" she asked.
39.
Two mates were having a drink when one said; "I heard you and your wife
split up, what happened?"
"Look," the other bloke answered. "Would you put up with someone throwing
wild party's, getting in at all hours of the night and having friends over to stay
as long as they like?"
"Nope," the first bloke said. "I can't say I would."
"Neither would me wife" the other fella said.
"So I left."
40.
This bloke was hangin' around the house one day when the phone rang.
"Hi, this is Cindy. Remember me?" said the voice on the phone.
"Uh, no."
"You took me home after the Christmas party, and you said I was a
good sport."
"Oh, yeah. How ya doin' luv?"
"Not so good. I just found out that I'm pregnant, and I've just decided to
kill myself." she said.
"Hey, you really are a good sport!" said the guy.
That's all for this archive, and remember: If you are a good boy or girl, and
you say your prayers each night before going to bed, in the morning you will
wake up with a new dogma.
Oh yeah, before I forget. What's more fun than donating money to the spastic society?
Running through a crowded shopping mall with a hammer and making some.
(What, no smiley face?)