Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 6

1.
A wino was walking past a brothel one night when he noticed two dogs
fucking in the front yard of the establishment, so he stumbled up the steps
and rang the doorbell.
When the madam opened the door and saw how shitfaced the wino was, she
informed him, "I'm sorry, Sir, but you're too drunk, and I can't let you inside."
"Hell, thash awright," the wino said, pointing a thumb at the two dogs. "I jush
wanted to tell ya yer sign fell down."

2.
There was this lady with no arms and no legs sitting on the beach
enjoying the sun and surf, when this bloke walks up and says,
"Hey lady, you ever been kissed before?"
"No," the lady replied.
"You ever been licked before?" asked the bloke.
"No," the lady replied once again.
"You ever been fucked before?" he asks.
"No" the lady replies.
"Well bitch you are now, the tide's comin' in."

3.
On their 25th anniversary, a bloke took his wife on a second honeymoon to the
same place as their first. Same motel, same room as on their wedding night.
When they checked in, his wife said, "Oh honey, it'll be just like when we got married!"
"Yeah," said the bloke. "Except this time, it'll be me sitting on the edge of the bed,
screaming', it's too big, it's too big!'"

4.
A girl came home from a date. Her mother had waited up for her, and
when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sally, " she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a headjob to a chinaman and he
threw up on me!"

5.
The old bloke had been drinking down at his local all day.
Come closing time, he decided to take the risk and drive home.
On the way, he was pulled over by the cops.
"Can you blow in the bag, mate?" one of the cops asked the old fella.
"No way, I'm an asthmatic, I can't breath properly." replied the old digger.
"Okay, we'll take a blood test then." said the cop.
"No… You can't do that." the old bloke declared. "I'm a hemophiliac.
Once I start bleeding. I can't stop."
"Well," answered the cop. "You'll just have to walk a straight line for us then."
"Nah, I can't do that either." laughed the old digger.
"I suppose you're crippled." the cop said.
"Nah," said the digger. "I'm just too fuckin' pissed!'

6.
"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed
the pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe, " he soothed her. "I'll be back before
you know it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

7.
A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.
He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.
"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.
"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."
"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."
"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

8.
Two upper class Pommy brothers, one very hard of hearing, were having a quiet
drink in a Chelsea pub where a drunken loud-mouthed Aussie was regaling the
bar with his opinions.
"What a place England is. Free and open and as friendly as buggery," said the Australian.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother.
"He said he likes England," said the other.
"And Pommy women are fantastic," said the Aussie very loudly. 'They're terrific sports,
do anything in bed, fuckin' great."
"What was that?" asked brother number 1.
"He says he likes English women."
The Aussie continued, "And last night I picked up a brassy old broad who took me home
and fucked me stupid all night. Gee, she knew some tricks. The silly old bitch. What a fuck!"
"What did he say?" asked the deafish bastard.
"He said he'd met Mother."

9.
"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" Screamed the angry wife.
"It's not my fault… I ran out of money." The bloke said.

10.
The mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the
kitchen table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts
down in front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
"Love, where're the vegetables?" he asks.
"Oh," says his wife, "they're having dinner at grandma's."

11.
Two middle aged blokes were sitting in a pub, telling each
other their most embarrassing moments.
One bloke admitted that he had been caught watching his parents fucking.
"That's not so bad." said his mate.
"Yeah, but this was only last night." he said.

12.
One day a housewife was going about the usual business of cleaning the house,
when she suddenly felt intensely horny. Unfortunately, her husband was still at
work, so she resorted to stripping off all her clothes and started to masturbate.
She got very excited, rubbing herself and moaning, and when her husband walked
in, she was writhing in the middle of the living room floor.
He glanced through the mail and said to his wife, "Honey, when you're finished
vacuuming the floor, could you get started on dinner?"

13.
The leprechaun
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he
sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he
cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The
leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock and all makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing
not fittin' and all.. I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick
until I come."
The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything
he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"28," says the guy.
"Aren't you a wee bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"

14.
A six year old girl walks into the bathroom when her father is
having a shower.
"Daddy, daddy, what's that?", she said pointing at his genitalia.
"Oh, erm, it's a hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied.
"Well it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.

15.
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 12."

16.
When asked how he and his wife managed to squeeze in
so many afternoon quickies, with seven children runnin' in
and out of the house all day long, the bloke replied. "Vaseline."
"Vaseline?" his confused mate asked.
"Not on the wife, arsehole," the bloke said.
"On the doorknob."

17.
There were these two guys lost in the desert. Both were starving and near death
when they came across a dead rabbit. One of them started to eat it and asked the
other guy if he wanted some. He refused because he was sure he'd get something
better, as the carcass was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when
a while later the bloke who ate the rabbit began to vomit, to which the other guy said,
"See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later."

18.
A woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex anymore.
So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she
would be "satisfied."
The woman, somewhat dubious, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night
they fucked better than ever before.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and an hour later they get stuck into it again.
This time with more passion than the night before.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answers
the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead,
My Sister is pregnant; my arsehole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling
'Here kitty, kitty.'"

19.
A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off the parrot's
cage, makes a coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her
boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades,
puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The
parrot, from under the cloth then says: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"

20.
A woman was in tears after being told by her doctor that she has breast
cancer and that both breasts needed to be removed.
"Oh doctor, can I have a second opinion?"
"Sure," says the doctor. "You're fucking ugly as well!"

21.
Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds,
when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench.
After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other.
"Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"
"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Agnes." her friend replied with disgust.
"I can't." said the other. "He's using my hand."

22.
Two aged child molesters are sitting in a nursing home, reminiscing
about sexual adventures of their pasts.
'Ah,' sighs one, 'I remember when I had
an eight year old with the body of a four year old.

23.
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
"Mrs Jones, this is the manager of the Sunny Pines burial service and were having
a bit of a problem with your late husband."
"What's wrong?" Asks Mrs Jones.
"As you know, he was rather a 'big' man. When rigor mortis sets in to a male corpse,
he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
Says the undertaker.
"What can you do?" she asks surprised.
"We can get a special coffin made that is about 4" taller than standard but it will cost you
an extra $1000." He says with a somber tone of voice
"I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little
less expensive?" she says.
The undertaker thinks for a second, then suggests. "We could remove his penis."
"Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want
bits of him lying around." Mrs Jones said angrily over the phone.
"No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum." Said the undertaker.
"OK, but only on two conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body
immediately before the funeral." Said Mrs Jones in a matter of fact voice.
"That's OK, see you before the funeral." Said the undertaker.
At the funeral hall, the undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they
have her deceased husband laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with make-up
on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private good byes. As
she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and
smudged the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When
she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear.
"Hurts, doesn't it, you bloody bastard!"

24.
Two Jews were sitting on a pier passing the time of day.
The first Jew puts his feet in the water and cries, "It's cold, it's cold!"
The second Jew puts his nose in and screams "It's fucking deep too!"

25.
"I'm so tired," complained the sweet young thing to her friend.
"I didn't get to sleep last night until after five."
"No wonder you're beat," replied her friend.
"I still can't handle more than three myself."

26.
"Doc, you gotta help me!" said this bloke to his doctor.
"I eat apples, and whole apples come out. I eat bananas,
and bananas come out!" what do I do?
"Simple." said the Doc. "Eat shit!"

27.
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his
brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

28.
A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and sees a cute little five year old girl
sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with her dog.
The man asks, "What is your name little girl?" "Candy," says the little girl.
"They call me that because I like candy so much. And this is my dog Porky."
"They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders.
"No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs."

29.
This Aussie was sitting in the shade, sipping a cool one and
watching his pregnant missus mow the lawn.
His new neighbor came over and said.
"You bastard, making your wife cut the grass while all you do is watch!
You ought to be hung!"
"I am," the bloke replied. "That's why she's cutting the grass."

30.
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit
home since starting university.
"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later.
I just hope it was a romantic and a pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty daughter remarked.
"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

31.
Two mates were sitting at the bar, drinking heavily. "Steve, old buddy,"
said one, staring into the bottom of his drink, "I hate to be the one who
told you so, but your wife is really fickle!"
John nodded his head somberly. "Ah! So she's dumped you too, ey?"

32.
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was
reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says
to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female
achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says,
"Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed,
it's hard to tell?"

33.
Complaining to his missus because they were flat broke again,
this bloke told his missus,
"If your tits would give milk, we wouldn't have to feed our cow.
And if your cunt would lay eggs, we would sell the chickens."
"Yeah" his wife replied. "And if your cock could get hard, we could
get rid of your brother!!!

34.
A man was complaining to a friend.
"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car,
the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out."

35.
An Irishman was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories.
A week later the Irishman complained to the doctor that they
didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing with 'em," the Irishman said,
"shoving them up my arse?"

36.
Phil answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have some
bad news and some good news. The bad news is that we had to amputate both
of her arms and legs, and she will need help eating and going to the bathroom for
the rest of her life."
Phil says, "My God! What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

37.
Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
a bloke asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.
"Are you certain?"
"Absolutely!"
"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50
I gave you after my wedding last year?"

38.
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you feel like it.
Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

39..
A trucker was carrying a load of bowling balls through Ipswich when to his
horror, the tailgate unfastened and hundreds of them went rolling across
the road. He brought the big truck to a stop as fast as he could and ran
back to the scene of the accident, only to see, to his astonishment,
Pauline Hanson already busy smashing the bowling balls with a sledgehammer.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"I've gotta destroy all these Aboriginal eggs before they hatch," she explained.

40.
Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought
he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone,
because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he
went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please
his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained
his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary
looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other
dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box,
darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door
shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left
for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo
dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd
ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough,
and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and
tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her
how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes
on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road,
and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked
how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right...
Voodoo dick, my arse!"

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