Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 7

1.
A little boy was on the footpath, playing with shit.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop
and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Fuck off!" he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that!"

2.
A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at
the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's bloody shit!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself
every night!"

3.
Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend.
"No way!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck no!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

4.
This bloke walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. After the bartender hands
him the drink, he pours it down in one gulp and says, "Give me another."
The bartender says, "Hey mate, what are you celebrating?" and the guy says,
"My first headjob."
"All right!" says the bartender. "Have this one on the house." The guy says, "Keep
'em coming, I've just got to get this taste out of my mouth!"

5.
A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy
look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.

6.
A bloke stopped his car outside a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could
use his dunny.
"Sure you can, mate, but I gotta warn you - it's a bit of a mess," the cocky said.
"My wife takes salts, you see."
The bloke made his way to the shithouse at the back of the yard.
There he saw that the farmer hadn't exaggerated.
The ceiling, floor and walls of the dunny were all covered in shit.
He used it anyway and made his escape outside as quickly as he could, but still
stopped to thank the farmer.
"By the way," the bloke asked, "what kind of salts does your wife take?"
"Er, somersaults," replied the farmer.

7.
Two prostitutes were talking. The first one said, "Last night I made $500 and I feel
like a bottle of champagne."
"Well, last night I made $5000," said the second, "and I feel like a pot of glue!"

8.
Two junkies were siting down talking about the worst thing that either of them
had done for a fix.
The first junkie say's "About a month ago, I burgled this 80 year old woman. I
got into her house and she startled me so I beat her up and jumped on her chest.
Then for some strange reason I fucked he up the arse. After going through everything
she had, I only found $40."
That's nothing says the second junkie. "Last week I stole the wedding ring off my
mother's finger."
"Ah shit," says the first junkie, "that’s fuckin' nothin', I ripped off me mother's
wedding ring even before I started using smack."
"Yu fuckin' don't understand you arsehole, do yu? she been dead and buried for two
months!" the second junkie yells.

9.
A guy is explaining a recent night he'd spent with a chick to one of his mates.
"I really got the shits," he says.
"Why?" asked the mate.
"Well, she'd been giving me the eye all night and finally she came over to talk to me.
We went back to her place and started getting real friendly, when all of a sudden she
told me she had her rags."
"Yeah, that'd give you the shits," says his mate.
"No, that wasn't it. I figured they were her sheets and if she wanted to risk it she could.
So we were hard at it when there was a knock at the door and she said it was her
husband trying to get through the locked door. I had to grab my clothes and bolt
out the window."
"Yeah, that'd give you the shits," says his mate.
"No, that wasn't it. I then had to stand out in the cold on the window ledge with my
clothes under my arms, while her husband climbed on and fucked the arse off her."
"Yeah, that'd give you the shits," says his mate.
"No, that wasn't it, because when he walked over to the window I'm hanging off the ledge,
and he hangs out his cock and pisses out the window all over me."
"Yeah, that'd give you the shits," says his mate.
"NO, that wasn't it either. After I'd been hanging there for a while, my arms killing me and
my face soaked in piss, I looked down and saw I'd been hanging six inches from the fuckin' ground!"

10.
A bloke took his new girlfriend to the movies.
After a long kiss, the chick blushed and said,
"Gee, honey, I think I just swallowed your gum."
"Naw," said the bloke, "I just cleared my throat!"

11.
A guy visited his mate's place and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked
his mate what it was.
"It's an artificial pussy," his mate replied. "And it's the best fuck I've ever had!"
"Bull fuckin' shit!," cackled the other bloke. "A fake pussy your best root? You're joking."
"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and try it out then?" said his mate.
So the bloke took it home, tried it out and found out that it was true - he had the best root
in his entire life.
Later that day, the bloke's wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best fuck I've ever had," said the bloke.
"If it's so good," his wife said, "what's it doing in the kitchen?"
"Well," said the bloke, "as soon as I teach it to cook I'm going to get rid of you!"

12.
Did you hear about the Pom who came out here, married an Australian
prostitute and dragged her down to his level?

13.
Two mates were chatting over the phone.
"What do you say I come over tonight with two chicks and we party like the
good old days." Said the first bloke.
"Great idea mate, so what are the sheilas like?" said the second bloke.
"Gotta tell ya mate, mine's a knockout, yours, well, she'll be OK when you get
drunk enough.
That night, the door bell rings, the bloke opens the door and his mate introduces him
to his blind date.
After about a minute, the bloke with the blind date turns to his mate and whispers in his
ear, "This ain't gonna work out mate. I cant drink that fuckin' much alcohol.

14.
Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's dick. She was driving down the road,
wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window.
The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.
"Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?"
"Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

15.
Two bikers were talking at a bar.
"How's married life?" asks the first.
"It's fine," says the second.
"How's the sex?" asks the first.
"Fine," says the second, "At least I don't have to wait in line!"

16.
~~~~~~~~~~
So there I was sucking my own dick and my dad walks in.
He says, "man I wish I could do that." .... So I let him.

Q: What is the best thing about fucking a seven year old girl?
A: The sound of her pelvis cracking.

Submitted by:
Tim Bynum
USA
~~~~~~~~~~

17.
Two faggots went to the fairground. Cecil said he wants to go on the
Ferris wheel but Cyril has a sore bum so he decides not to go too.
The wheel went round and round and then suddenly the cart Cecil was
seated in falls to the ground landing at Cyril's feet.
"Are you hurt Cecil" cries Cyril in a high pitched faggotty squeal.
"Of course I am you bitch, three times I went round and you didn't wave once."

18.
Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece
of it out with dental floss."

19.
A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home. When she got
to the destination she told the cabbie she had no money, then she lifted her skirt
and said, "Take it outta that".
The cabbie turned around and said to the pro, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"

20.
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
"What are you doing here today?" says the bloke to the woman next to him.
"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." She says.
"Ahh, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The bloke replies.
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and after chatting a for a little while longer
they went their separate ways.
A month later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" the man asks the woman. The woman
then starts shaking her head and says "Mmm-mmm-mmmm-mmmm"

21.
~~~~~~~~~~
The fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick smoke over the street.
At last the blaze was under control and the Fire Chief began accounting for his men.
Two men were missing so he ordered a search. Captain Johnson finally rounded a fire
truck parked in an alley and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down
leaning over a garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. "What's the
meaning of this?" the Captain roared.
"Gibbons here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman doing the fucking panted. "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that," the Captain said. "That's
what started this," the fireman replied.

Submitted by:
Tony Cross
USA
~~~~~~~~~~

22.
A bloke and his missus were talking about the position they were going to root in.
"Tonight," said the bloke, "we're gonna lie back to back."
"That wouldn't be much fun," said the wife.
"Sure it will," replied the husband. "I've invited Bridget and John over to stay the night!"

23.
Two white blokes and an Abo were in jail together. One of the whites said he was
in for ten years for attempted rape, but thought himself lucky he hadn't actually done
the rape or he would be in for twenty years.
The other white bloke said he was in for fifteen years for attempted murder, but was
lucky his victim had lived, or he would be doing life.
The Abo then said he was in for twenty-five years for riding his push bike without a light,
but reckoned he was lucky it wasn't night time.

24.
The Tasmanian father wanted to know why his son had suddenly cancelled his wedding
when the party had been months in the planning.
"Well dad, I found that Bertha is a virgin. That's why I can't marry her."
"Quite right son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, then she ain't good enough
for ours."

25.
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly
into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."

26.
~~~~~~~~~~
A Nigger walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!

Q. Do you know how to cut the dick off a man in Kentucky???
A. Kick his sister in the chin!!!

Q. What do you tell your wife with two black eyes??
A. Nothing you have already told her twice!!!

Q. How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb ???
A. One if the bitch knows what's good for her!!!

Q. Do you know how to save a nigger from drowning??
A. Take your foot off his head!!!

Submitted by:
Doug Sutton
USA
~~~~~~~~~~

27.
A woman was drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slipped
over and landed spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand
up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy
has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move. She
called out to her husband for help, and he rushes in and tried with all his strength
to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge. So he went next door and got the neighbor.
Both of them start pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge.
She was well and truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the
tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea, mate" says the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so I can
push her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

28.
Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over
the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning
at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time?
"Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time."
"I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

29.
This bloke was sunbathing in the nude on a secluded beach. He looked up saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with a newspaper he was reading
earlier. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did
you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it
spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

30.
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The chief abbot
tells him to clean all the windows except the top three, so the window cleaner
cleans all the windows for years and years until curiosity gets the better of him
and he puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows, he looks in and
sees 12 monks with there robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse
running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks
in, there is this beautiful woman and a monk in bed fucking like mad. The window
cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window, he look in and
sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He goes down the ladder, and when he gets to the bottom the Chief Abbot is waiting
for him. The window cleaner says, "Look, I know your going to sack me, but please,
at least tell me what is going on."
"Well says the Abbot, "in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the
lucky monk, where ever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window
you saw a monk with the prize."
"But what about the third window?" the window cleaner asks.
"Well," says the Abbot, "that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin."

31.
A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your
bloody ball!"

32.
At closing time, Dave staggered out of the bar, drunk as usual. Trying to find his
way home through the dark streets, he staggered along until he walked into a nun.
Dave immediately lunged at her, twisting her arm, he then threw her to the ground
and pinned her down. A few people from a house nearby rushed out to assist the
downed woman. As they pulled Dave off her, he screamed, "I thought you'd be
stronger than that, Batman!"

33.
A foot and a penis are talking to each other, and the foot says "I have it so bad in life.
Everyday my owner sticks me into a smelly shoe and walks around on me all day long.
My life sucks." Then the penis says, "you think you have it bad, my owner sticks me into
a deep dark hole that smells like fish every night, and makes me do push-ups until I puke.

34.
An Indian brave came up to his chief.
"Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give."
"Mmmmm. When your cousin was born, I look out teepee and see buffalo running in
field. I name her "RunningBuffalo."
When your brother was born. I look out teepee, I look up and see eagle flying
over. I name him "FlyingEagle."
"Why you ask me this, TwoDogsFucking?"

35.
Two mates were sitting at a bar talking about girls.
"You know," says the first guy. "I've got a girl that doesn't smoke,
doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed early, yet she wants
sex all the time, and will do all the kinky things I want."
"Hey, that's great." Says the second guy.
"Yeah, and tomorrow I'm throwing her a surprise birthday party, do you wanna come?
asks the first guy.
"Sure, but what sort of present should I buy her?" asks the second guy.
"Oh, just get her a barbie doll, its only her fifth birthday!" says the first guy.

Well that’s all for this archive,
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