Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 8

1.
There's this bloke who's looking for a root, so he goes down to the local to
see if there are any women that he could score with. When he got there, he
noticed that there wasn't even one lady in the bar, and he was just about to
leave, when a wheelchair comes through the door. There's a girl in it so he
goes over to her and says, "G'day!"
He hints to her that he's after a bit of genital exercise so she tells him he can
take her home if he wants.
After a couple of drinks they leave. He wheels her down the road till they
come to a paddock. He says to her.
"You don't mind if I take a shortcut across the paddock do you?"
She tells him that's okay.
Halfway across the paddock she says, "See that fence, well I live just behind it,
so why don't you just prop me up on the fence, go for it, then take me home?"
So the guy does.
When he gets to her house, her father answers the door. He's a really big man but
very friendly. He asks the guy in for a beer.
The guy gets to wondering why the father is being so nice, so he says, "Look, I just
had my way with your daughter and you're not mad."
The father raises himself up and looks the guy in the eyes, "You're welcome here
any time - all the other guys leave her on the fence!"

2.
An old bloke went to his doctor and said, "I've got this toilet problem, doc."
"Well," said the doctor, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock - like a baby," replied the old bloke."
"Good," said the doctor. "How about your bowel movements?"
"Eight o'clock each morning - like clockwork," answered the old bloke.
"So what's the problem?" the doctor asked perplexed.
"Well," the old bloke explained, "I don't get up until nine!"

3.
Three mates were sitting in a pub, talking about the scariest sound they'd ever heard.
"My car broke down on a level crossing one night," said the first bloke. "And I heard
this train coming down the track. I almost shit myself, I was so scared!"
"Well, I was in Vietnam," said the second bloke. "And just about every time one of
them slopes started shooting at me, I was so scared I couldn't scratch myself!"
"I remember when I was down in Melbourne," said the third bloke. "I picked up this
chick in a bar and she took me back to her penthouse flat. Just when I started giving
it to her, the door was kicked in. "Shit!" she screams, "that's my husband!" So I
climbed out the window onto this six-inch ledge. Just then the husband reached out
of the window and grabbed my balls in his right hand."
"Hang on," interrupted the first bloke. "What's that got to do with the most frightening
sound you ever heard?"
"Well," said the third bloke. "Have you ever heard a bloke trying to open a straight
razor with his teeth?"

4.
An Italian butcher lived in a flat over his shop. One night he was woken by strange
noises coming from the shop?
He tiptoed downstairs and there he saw his 24-year-old daughter masturbating with
a huge salami.
He sighed to himself and went back to bed.
The next day a customer walked in the butcher's shop and asked the butcher for
some salami.
"I'm sorry, I don't have any," the butcher explained.
"But what's that hanging up on that hook over there?" she cried.
"That, lady," he said, "is my son-in-law!"

5.
Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his
sister's friend's pussy.
She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.
As the years passed, and little Johnny one day grew to become a
man, he was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs
and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"
He said, "I can't, its got teeth!"
"Don't be a fool," she said, "have a look if you don't believe me."
So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs. He
looked in and said, "I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums
like that!"

6.
This bloke picks up a hooker and goes up to her room, peels all her clothes off,
lays her down on the bed then proceeds eagerly to eat her out. At one stage he
stuck his tongue in to the hilt and suddenly pulled his face out of her cunt and spat
a bit of cabbage into his hand. He started at it for a few seconds, shrugged his
shoulders and thought "What the fuck, not that strange," and went right back to
the task at mouth.
Well he brought her off several times as well as himself. A couple more times he
repeated the tongue right in bit and again was rewarded with the odd bit of refuse.
As he was leaving, out of sheer curiosity he turned around and asked her, "Hey,
have you been sick lately?"
She said, "No, but the fellas before you were!"

7.
Bill and his mate Ted were siting at the pub talking about the funny faces
they'd seen their wives make from time to time.
Bill started off by saying, "One day, I'd accidentally pissed on the floor, and
me missus went nuts, her face looked like a tawny frogmouth. I still laugh
when I think about it"
"That's nothing," said Ted. "This afternoon, I was sitting down watching the
footy, when me missus came in and started screaming:
'WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THE GODDAMN SINK!'
So I went over to the gun rack, pulled out my shotgun, took aim at her head
and pulled the trigger!"
Bill's face started to turn green, and he said, "That's not funny,
that's not funny at all mate, I think I'm gonna be sick!"
Ted started laughing, and said, "But you didn't see the look on the bitch's
face as it was sliding down the wall!!!"

8.
A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.
"What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked.
"My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.
Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.
"No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suck
with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"

9.
There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they
rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met
St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed
a place to stay.
St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season.
I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."
The Aussie slipped St Pete $50 and asked if that'd make any difference.
St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."
By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance.
They all got a real shock when he sat up.
"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver.
He told them about St Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other
two didn't come back.
"Well," says the Aussie, "the Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to $20 and the
Abo reckons the government should pay for it!"

10.
One day a woman brought a bloke home, took him inside and started down the
hallway. All through the hallway there were pictures of dicks. Finally the bloke
asked who they belonged to. "Oh, they're my put downs."
"Oh shit," the bloke thought to himself, "mine's only half the size of most of them."
Just then the woman said, "Just wait here a minute while I go and get horny."
As soon as the lady left, he ran down to the shops and bought the biggest cucumber
he could find. When he got back and jumped into bed with the woman he started pushing
it in and out of her. The woman said, "Oh, that was great, I love a finger before a fuck!"

11.
A poofter walked into a deli, and asked for a large knob of salami.
"Would you like it sliced sir?" the owner said politely.
"What the fuck do you think I am," the poof squealed in a high pitched
faggotty whine, "a money box?!"

12.
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down
the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again
tips it down her skirt.
Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?"
"Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole
I'm shouting!"

13.
A successful negro banker from Louisiana decided to have a go at hang gliding.
He went out and bought all the right stuff, took all the right lessons and finally got
good enough to go it alone. The very next weekend he took off into the country,
strapped himself in and floated off into the wild blue yonder.
Meanwhile, two redneck farmers, Billy Bob and Bubba, had decided to do a bit
of hunting. As they were walking through the bush Billy Bob looked up and said,
"Shit, Bubba! Dat's de biggest goddamn bird I eva seen!"
"Let's shoot the sucker!" exclaimed Bubba, and both men began blazing away at the
glider, which continued to float gracefully over the trees and out of sight.
"Hell, Billy Bob!" spat Bubba, "I believe we done give dat bird what fer!"
"Sheet! I know we did," Billy Bob chuckled. "Did ya see how fast it dropped dat nigger!?"

14.
Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because
her first period had started and she had no idea what it was.
The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl talk
to her mum.
She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying? Asked little Johnny.
"I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied.
"Give me a look," said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding - some bastard's
cut off your cock!"

15.
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.
"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.

16.
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally
and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

17.
~~~~~~~~~~
There is a building with three floors in it. The top floor is all Indians, the
middle floor is all white people, and the bottom floor is all Black people.
In the middle of the week, a Wednesday, a fire burns the entire building,
and all of the people in it die, except for one group of them. Who were they?
The white people, because they were all at work.

Q. What do you call a nigger with a wooden leg?
A. Shit on a stick.
Q. What do you call a nigger with two wooden legs?
A. A waste of wood.

Q. What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A. Pizzas don't scream when they're put in the oven.

Q. How does a Tasmanian boy find his sister in the woods?
A. Not bad.

Submitted by:
C D
USA
~~~~~~~~~~

18.
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and slapped
each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."

19.
Tarzan lumbered home after a hard day's work just in time to see a crocodile snap
one of his 15 kids off the riverbank.
"Hey Jane," he yelled, "Did you see that?"
"Oh come to bed," Jane shouted back, "and we'll make another one."
The next day, as Tarzan was making his way home again, it happened once more.
A crocodile came out of the river and grabbed one of his kids.
Jane was not in the least bit concerned when Tarzan brought it to her attention.
"Let's go to bed and make another one," she said.
"No way!" Tarzan boomed, stamping his feet. "I'm not working all day and fucking
all night just to feed the bloody pet crocodiles!"

20.
In Montana, on the sight where Custer and his men had their asses handed to them
by the Sioux, a huge mural is to be painted. The artist insists on complete secrecy.
When the mural is unveiled it shows an orgy of naked Indians screwing all over the
prairie, and in the center a cow with a halo. The artist says the mural is a rendering
of Custer's final thoughts - "Holy cow! Look at all them fuckin' Indians!"

21.
The doctor said to the housewife, "I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

22.
God had just spent a whole week putting the heavens and the earth together,
so he figured he needed a break.
He kicked back with his mate, the Archangel Gabriel, opened a couple of beers
and admired his handiwork.
"You know, Lord," Gabriel said. "You've done some good fuckin' shit - huge
fucking mountains, mighty oceans, enormous jungles, and all those animals… shit!
You've made everything from ants to elephants - magnificent!"
God was pleased and grinned.
"I just have one small suggestion," Gabriel continued. "You know those two sample
humans you whacked in down at the Garden Of Eden?"
God nodded, looking concerned.
"Well, do you reckon it might be a good idea if they had a different set of genitals
each, just like all the other animals?"
God went into deep thought for a couple of minutes, then smiled happily. "You're
right, mate," he said to Gabriel, "I'll give the dumb one a cunt!"

23.
Ching Chong Chinaman
went to milk a cow,
Ching Chong Chinaman
didn't know how,
Ching Chong Chinaman
pulled the wrong tit,
Ching Chong Chinaman
was covered in shit!

24.
A door-to-door poll-taker asked a young housewife what form of contraception she
and her husband used.
"We use the bucket-and-saucermethod," replied the Woman.
"Gee, I'm not familiar with that method," the poll-taker replied, "Can you explain it to me?
"Well, it works like this. My husband's shorter than me so he has to stand on a bucket."
"I see," said the poll-taker, still confused, "What happens then?"
"And when his eyes get as big as saucers," the housewife continued, "I kick the bucket out
from under him!"

25.
A Southern sheriff was driving along when there was an announcement on his radio
that he was needed urgently at the scene of a major accident.
When he got there, he found a local farmer filling in a large trench with his tractor.
"What y'all doin', son?" He asked.
"Well, sheriff," he replied, "I came across this accident, and I thought I would do
the right thing." Said the farmer.
"And what might that be?" asked the sheriff.
"Well this busload of niggers just got plowed into tiny pieces by the passing train,
and they were all killed instantly… I was just giving them a decent burial." Replied the
farmer, while chewing on a piece of straw.
"Whoa, son," said the surprised sheriff, "That was fast! Y'all sure every one of 'em
niggers was dead?"
"Well," said the farmer, "two or three of 'em kept sayin' they weren't, but you know
how them niggers lie all the time."

26.
As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally bumped a
gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his elbow.
"I'm so sorry," the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation added,
"But I'm sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast, there's a place for you
in heaven."
"Well," said the blonde, "if your cock's as hard as your elbow, we should go into
those bushes and fuck!"

27.
A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A
large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.
She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.
Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,
"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with
the brown nose."

28.
A Jew walks into a bar and sees his friend Moshie sitting at the bar.
He drops his hands to his side and yells, "Oh shit Moshie! I'm sorry
to hear about your shop burning down."
His friend spun around and says quickly, "Tomorrow, tomorrow!!!"

29.
This bloke comes home pissed one night and climbs into bed with his missus.
After a few minutes he lets go with a great big fart.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" his wife asked.
"I'm playing footy," the bloke said. "The score's four to nil."
His wife thought about this for a minute then figured that two could play at this
game, so she let go with a fart of her own.
"The score's four-all, now," she smirked.
The bloke thought this was pretty cute, so he lay there and tried to work up another
one. Unfortunately, he tried too hard and ended up shitting in the bed instead.
"What the fuck was that!?" his wife screamed.
"Half-time," the bloke explained. "Now we change sides!"

30.
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking
a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She
had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair
of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next
day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the
same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties
on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.

31.
There was a monkey in a tree throwing coconuts at a tiger. The tiger was getting pissed
off and warned the monkey that if he caught him he would pay dearly. The monkey kept
on throwing the coconuts. The tiger went over to the tree and started shaking it and the
monkey fell out. The tiger said to the monkey "I'll give you a choice: either I'll bite off your
head or you tail." The monkey replied "bite off my head". The tiger was puzzled and
asked why. The monkey looked into the tigers eyes and said, "If you bite off my tail I'll
be a nigger!"

32.
A little girl was sitting on the pavement and crying when
a man comes along and asked her:
"Hey little girl, why are you crying?"
"I was gang raped by 15 men!"
The man then pulled down his pants and said:
"This isn't your lucky day, is it?"

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