Aussie Jeds
Joke Archive 9

This weird guy from the city drops into a country pub one night and lays ten $100
notes on the bar and claims that he can eat the sloppiest turd ever produced. If he
can't, then who ever lays this turd will be a grand richer.

The first guy to try was a trucker who proceeded to produce a turd that was so runny
it started to run down the cracks in the floor. The city fella licked it up in no time. The
next guy to have a go was an old pig raiser and he does a shit that went from his chair
over the table and onto the next chair. This city dude panicked a bit but still ate it in
five seconds flat.

Now everybody in the pub was amazed and it looked like the city dude was going to keep
his money. Then this biker walked into the bar and decided to have a go. He stood on the
bar and laid the meanest, smelliest shit ever seen. It went up the length of the bar, down
across the barstools and right to the feet of this dude. He gets down and starts chomping
but all of a sudden heaves his guts out all over the place. The biker goes over to the bar,
picks up his money and as he was about to leave he decided to stir this dude.

The weird city guy turned around and said, "it wasn't your turd that made me sick, it was
that little bastard picking his nose in the corner.

Harry's missus had died, and at the funeral, Harry was in a terrible mess. He kept crying,
yelling, pulling his hair and wailing, "What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?!
The priest took pity on the poor guy and came over to him.

"My son," the priest said. "I know this is hard on you, but eventually the pain will go away
and you will find another fine woman, marry again and forget about all this in years to come."
"Yeah, yeah, Reverend, I know all that," Harry sobbed. "But who's gonna cook me dinner
and let me root her tonight!"

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his
wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.

"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.

"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"

This fella walks into a pub and announces to the barman, "Mate, have I got some Irish
jokes for you!"

The barman leans over to him and says: "Listen, if I were you, I'd watch what I said. Both
the bouncers are Irish, I'm Irish, in fact, everyone in this bar is Irish."

"Oh, that's okay," says the fella, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-o-w-l-y."

An ode to the hole
That never heals.
The more you touch it
The better it feels.
You can rub it
And scrub it
And brush it like hell,
But you will never get rid
Of that fucking fish smell.

(Author Unknown)

If you had a poofter on your back, would you leave him there or pull him off?

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of
them pointed to a ferry and asked, "Elton, what's that?"

"That's a ferry-boat, George my love," answered Elton.

"Oooh!" Squealed George, "I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our
own navy!"

In the heaviest part of Harlem where all the heaviest black dudes hang out, there's a bar.
Only blacks drink there and it's rough.

One Saturday night, a skinny white bloke walks in wearing a T-shirt with 'I hate Niggers'
written on it. He gets himself a drink and sits himself on a stool.

One of the toughest looking blacks of the lot comes over. "What's that written on your
T-shirt, you honky trash?"

"The first thing I hate about niggers is that they can't fuckin' read," says the white guy.

"What's you saying to me, asshole? Asks the black nigger.

"The second thing I hate about niggers is they ask stupid questions," says the white guy.

The black guy is getting pretty firesome by this stage and pulls a knife on the white guy.
"See this, you fuckin' honky bastard…" threatens the black guy.

"The third thing I hate about niggers," says the white guy, reaching into his pocket, "is that
they always bring a knife to a gunfight."

A bloke down on his luck, was reduced to catching the bus.

One day a beautiful young nun boarded the bus and sat down in front of him. She was
such a babe he kept leaning forward to perve on her. Finally, he could control himself no
longer. Leaning forward, he whispered quietly in her ear, "I'd like to fuck you up the arse."
With a gasp of shock the nun jumped to her feet, rang the bell and got off the bus.

A couple of stops later, the bloke was getting off when the driver said, "Hey, what did you
say to that nun?"

"Well, to be honest," said the bloke, "she looked so damn good I said I'd like to fuck her
up the arse."

"Shit, no wonder she got off. She's very religious and you shoulda asked her in a more
devout way. As a matter of fact, she goes through the park down the road every night at
about 7.30. Why don't you go there and try a different approach.

The bloke had long hair and a beard, so he got himself a robe and waited in the park for
her to come by.

Sure enough, around 7.30, the nun appeared on her way to the convent. Leaping out of the
bushes, the bloke shouted, "Hey nun, I'm Jesus, come to fuck you up the arse!"

"No worries, Jesus," said the nun and she bent over and hoisted up her habit.

After the bloke had done the deed, remorse set in and he said rather sheepishly, "I'm not
really Jesus."

"That's okay," came the reply. "I'm not really the nun. I'm the bus driver."

There is a guy at a bar, and he's feeling low. He walks in and sits down
near a man with bad leprosy, who had also had his share of bad luck. The
young man says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer", so, he gets one. He drinks
it fast, and runs and throws up. He says, "Oh, that was bad, lemme try again.
gimme a beer". So, he drinks it, and throws it up. The guy with Leprosy
says, "If I make you that uncomfortable, well, I'll just leave. Ok?" The
other guy says, "No, you ain't making me sick, its the guy behind you. He's
dipping his nachos in your back!"

Submitted by:
S Massey
USA

God created Adam and Eve and left them alone to get to know each other. After a
week He came back.

"How's it going Adam?" He asked.

"Great!" says Adam.

"Eve's just down at the river, cleaning herself up a bit - we've been at it all week."

God looked up at the sky in dismay and exclaimed, "Hell! Now I'll never get the smell
out of the fish."

THE EVIL RACE

Woman are an evil race,
They play all sorts of games;
They lead you up the garden path
And call you lovely names.

They say that they are equal,
Then change it when it suits;
Equality goes out the door,
If it means they get more roots.

They play all weak and soft,
When you know they are as hard as nails;
they wrap us around their fingers,
And exploit defenseless males.

Let's face it - woman are a curse,
And sure, it's fun to root 'em,
But if they didn't drop their pants,
You'd hunt 'em down and shoot 'em.

(Author Unknown)

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were
popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded
born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and
a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady,
and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city
slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin'
mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business
sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse." Too late
he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his
bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car."

A little girls came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.

"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"

"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl
dunked her hand in it.

"It still hurts," whinged the girl. "The cider doesn't work."

"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.

"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick
in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

An elderly couple were sitting in the old folks home when the bloke
turns to the woman next to him and says, "How about a bit of nookie?" The
woman agrees and they go along to his room.

After the act is done the guy turns to the woman and says, "If I had
known you were still a virgin I would have asked you to have sex sooner."

The woman replies, "And if I had known that you could get such a big
erection I would have taken my tights off."

Submitted by:
Adam Marshall
ORMSKIRK ENGLAND

This sheila was hanging out for a root so she went down to Redfern and picked up this
good-lookin' Abo bloke. She dragged him back to her hotel room, fed him a meal and
cleaned him up. Then she tore off all her clothes, threw herself down of the be, telling him:

"Okay, you big black stud. Do what you do best!"

"Sure thing!" the Abo replied, then he jumped up, stole her hand-bag and bolted down
the street.

Sex is a real problem in the 1990's:
If you sleep with a Woman you get Herpes.
If you sleep with a Man you get AIDS.
If you sleep alone you get R.S.I.

This bloke had been stuck out in the scrub for six months, working for a cocky. When
he finally got a weekend off, he headed straight for the big smoke looking for a root. He
had no luck at the pub so he thought he'd try his luck down at the local brothel. When he
got there, there was only one girl left, but she was on the rag and had a bad dose of scabies
in her mouth. The poor bloke was really hanging out to put his cock into something, so the
girl offered to take out her glass eye and let him fuck her eye socket. After having the best
root of his life, the bloke promised that he'd be back next time he had a weekend off. The
girl said, "Sure, OK mate. I'll keep an eye out for you."

An old couple were finding it hard to make a buck.

So after watching a TV show on rich Hollywood prostitutes, the wife thought that
this was the way to go.

The next day she put on a mini skirt and hit the streets.

The old girl returned later that night and held out $75.50 in change.

"What cheap bastard gave you the 50 cents?" asked the old man.

"They all did," she replied.

"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"

"Ask your mother," he replied.

"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I
came from a bucket."

"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it…"

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

"I'm in love with my horse," he said.

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my
wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"

I remember Phil Hartman from such movies as "Blood on the Curtains" and
"Stop! Or my Wife will Shoot"

During a lunch break at work, this Kiwi was sitting alone in a corner. A mate come
over to see what he was doing.

"I'm reading an interesting new book," explained the Kiwi. "It's about quick repartee
and how to become proficient at it."

"So what's quick repartee?" asked his mate.

"It's the art of coming back with a sharp and witty answer when someone is rude to you,"
the Kiwi answered.

"Does it work?" his mate asked.

"Shit yeah. My brother read it before he went to the circus, where he got a front row seat.
During the show, a clown came up and started asking him questions.

"Have you ever played front-end of a donkey?" asked the clown.

"When my brother said no, the clown asked: "Well then, have you ever played the rear-end
of a donkey?" Again my brother said no.

"Then, said the clown, bursting with laughter. "You've been no end of a ass, haven't you?"

"The whole audience roared with laughter, and my brother was embarrassed at being made
to look like a fool. Then he remembered the book and he came back with this quick answer
which turned the tables on the clown."

"What did he say?" asked his mate.

"Fuck off, you red-nosed cunt!"

In the good ol' days when white women weren't allowed to have anything to do
with black men, these two got horny and had a fuck in the bush. Anyway, these
little Murrays (black fellas) walking along spring them and dobbed them in, charges
were laid and they ended up in court. The old judge says, "Call in the first witness,"
up fronts the first black fella. The judge asks his name, "I'm Jim-Bob, sah," he replies.

"Okay Jim-Bob, what did you see?" asks the judge.

"Well, sah, well sah, I saw then a rootin' sah." The old judge cracks up, "I will not have
swearing in my court," and kicks Jim-Bob out. He calls in the second witness. "What's
your name boy?" says the judge.

"I'm Billy-Joe sah." He replies.

"Okay Billy-Joe, in your own words, what did you see?" asks the judge.

Billy-Joe says, "Well sah, well I saw them a rootin' sah."

The old judge cracks up again, "I will not have swearing in my court," and kicks Billy-Joe
out. "Call in the final witness," roars the old judge.

The last fella fronts up. "What's your name boy," asks the judge.

"I'm Jacky-Jacky," he replies.

"Okay Jacky-Jacky, in your own words, without swearing, tell us what did you see?"
asks the judge.

Now Jacky-Jacky thinks for a minute, then says, "Well sah, well, sah, I saw ten toes up,
I saw ten toes down, I saw two little balls goin' round and round. I saw a thing going in
and a thing comin' out, and if that ain't rootin' you can throw me out."

There was this man who loved really fat women. He would always go nuts over them.
He went to this bar one night and noticed a fat lady walk in. Well, he literally wet his
pants. So he went over and talked to her and eventually ended up at her house and
sweet talked his way into bed. They're going at it for a while and then the guy says,
"Could we turn the light off please?" and the woman says "Why, and I that ugly?"
and the guy says "No, it's just that while we are fucking, my arse keeps hitting
the light!"

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a
can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model
fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

How do you make a cat drink?
1 cat
2 lemons
Vodka
Mix then serve

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as
Australian citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Australian citizens at last! Do
you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I
get on top!"

An Aussie had been wandering the outback for months.

One day he came to a farm where a sexy girl met him at the gate.

"D'ya root?" he asked.

"No," she replied. "But you've talked me into it, you silver tongued bastard."

Steady Eddie had just won the club snooker competition. After the big game he
was approached by a lady to go back to her place for some shafting. Well being
the stud that he is, he said "OK"

Later she's lying on the bed naked and she's wondering what's takin' him so long.
She peers through to the bathroom and he's chalking his dick up.

The minutes went by and finally he comes out but still he stops at the end of the bed
bending over, checking her out.

Well, she's just itching for it and can't stand him peering at her any longer, so she says,
"Eddie, what's keeping you?"

He replies, "Just wondering whether to go for the pink or the brown."

Down in the valley where
the green grass grows,
There lives an old lady
without any clothes,
Along comes a soldier boy,
Chip, chop, chop,
Down with his pants and
out with his cock.
Three months later starting
to swell,
Six months later all is well,
Then nine months later,
Snap, crackle, pop,
Out comes a baby with a
mangled cock,
Ladies and gents that's not
all,
The poor little bastard,
Had only one ball.

Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's
never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"

Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls
Mummy, Tommy."

Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a
fucking pig!"

The travelling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!"

"The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke.

"It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!"

Three mates went on a skiing trip, and it was so cold that they all shared the same
bed to keep warm.

In the morning, the guy on the right says, "I had a dream that someone was pulling
on my cock."

The guy on the left says, "I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my cock too."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream that I went skiing."

"Gladys!" Bill yelled from his bed. "I'm real crook. Give the vet a call, will ya."

"The vet?" Gladys asked. "You mean a doctor, don't you?"

"Nah," Bill said. "I want a vet. I work like a horse, I live like a pig and I have to sleep
with a stupid cow."

A Jewish lad went to New York for a holiday. After a few weeks he called his mother
on the phone.

"I have great news, Mother!" he cried. "I've met a beautiful girl and I'm getting married."

"Oy vey!" his mother exclaimed. "I hope she's Jewish. What's her name?"

"Goldberg," the boy told her.

"That's a wonderful Jewish name," his mother smiled, the tension leaving her voice.
"What's her first name?"

"Whoopi," the boy replied.

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a
camel with water.

"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."

As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them
over the camel's balls.

The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.

"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.

"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

A sheila went to the pub with a black eye.

"How'd ya get that?" asked the publican.

"From my husband," she replied.

"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.

"So did I!" she said.

An Aborigine dies and goes to heaven, and St Peter is pretty impressed to see a
blackfella from Australia.

"I'm so impressed that I'm going to send you back to Earth so you can spread the
word to the other Aborigines," says St Peter. "What would you like to be reincarnated
as upon your return?"

"A piece of dog shit," the Abo replies.

"Why a piece of dog shit?" asks St Peter.

"Well," replied the Abo. "You lie around in the sun and go whiter and whiter and even
the cops won't pick you up!"

A bloke has sex with a Chinese hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because
his cock has turned yellow, purple and green.

The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate."

"No way!", says the bloke. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese doctor. The doctor takes a look. The
bloke says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate." The Chinese doctor
says, "Australian doctors, always cut, cut, cut... Two - three days at most - pecker fall off all
by itself!"

Well that’s all for this archive,
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