Limericks Page 1

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There once was a lady from France
Who took a long train ride by chance.
The engineer fucked her
before the conductor.
while the fireman came in his pants.

There once was a girl from Lahore
Who’d lie on a rug on the floor.
In a manner uncanny,
she’d wiggle her fanny
And drain your balls to the core.

FROM the depths of he crypt at St Giles,
Came a scream that resounded for miles,
Said the vicar, "Good gracious
"Has Father Ignatius,
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

WHEN I was young and had no sense
I had a piss on an electric fence
It tickled me prick and shivered me balls
And made me shit me overalls!

THERE once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon.
He didn’t have the luck to be born by a fuck
So he was scraped off the sheets with a spoon!

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"

There was a young girl from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they pay to get in
"They can pay to get out of it too!"

There was an old man from Cape
Who tried to shag an ape
The ape said "you fool
"You’ve got a square tool
"And you’re putting me arse out
of shape!"

THERE was on old man called Tucker
Who was a randy old fucker.
He’d line up a chick
And pull out his dick,
Then tell the whole world that
he’d fucked her!

THERE was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..

Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.

A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.

A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."

A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.

Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!

There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."

There once was a man called Ed,
Who couldn't get a woman to bed,
So when he wanted a diddle,
He's cut out her middle,
And hang the rest up in the shed.

There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"

There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

Well, that's it for this collection
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